Mission Four: All's Well that Ends Well

Slushos. Check.

Life vests. Check.

The Haitian. Check.

I had all the things one would need to execute a rescue operation.

"This way to the captain's seat," Crew Member 732 said directing me with a wave of his hand. I followed and sat in the chair mounted in the middle of the ship's control room. "Do you like it?" he asked.

"I've never sat in a chair I didn't like," I replied. "So, how do I start this thing?" I flipped various switches on the chair's console and hit random buttons. Nothing happened.

"Um...the console's for aesthetic reasons more than practical. Just say something curt and suave."

"Hmm..." I thought long and hard. It's been a few years since my curt and suave days. "How about....hold on to your butts?"

He stared, unimpressed.

"Show me the money?"

"Let's try one more, sir," he suggested.

I commanded, "Just move this piece of ship that way!" I pointed out ahead of me in an abrupt and determined motion.

The ship kicked into gear and we began floating out into space. I had no idea where we were boldly going, but my crew seemed prepared.

To pass the time, I played with he phony console controls, imagining I was a well-respected captain in some futuristic starfleet. Suddenly, I screamed, "I don't want to be bald!"

The crew looked at me. The Haitian was startled into speaking, "You are not bald."

I felt the top of my head, and it was true. I had hair. My imagination can be a bit over-active at times. Like shortly after that when I imagined we were being attacked by three fighters.


Then, I imagined alarms sounding and earth-shaking turbulence. I smashed on the console buttons to pretend to return fire. "Pow! Pow! Boom!" I hollered.

"Captain, we need your orders. Please, leave the phony controls alone. We're under attack!"

Then, the giant bald head of a familiar paraplegic appeared on the view screen. It was none other than Professor Captain Xavier Picard!

"What do you want, baldy?" I asked.

"Why, isn't it obvious?" He asked.

"Um...no, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. Trust me, I'm a stickler for efficiency in conversation."

"Yes, it certainly sounds so."

A long awkward pause later, I wondered, "Weren't we discussing something?"

"Oh, yes. What do I want..."

I replied, "How would I know?"

"No, no," he said, "You were asking me what it is I wanted."

"Oh, and what's your response to that?"

"My response was that it was obvious..."

"Well, I don't think so, otherwise I--" I was interrupted by one of my crew.

"Just let him finish!" Crew Member 115 yelled.

I was silent. Xavier Picard was silent. Crew Member 115 was silent. Crew Member 212 was somewhat silent, but wheezing due to his asthma.

Finally, I said to the view screen bozo, "Go on."

He did. "Well, it is quite obvious..." Crew Member 115 gave me a cold stare. I kept my mouth shut. "...I want your destruction."

"Well, that's not very nice."

"No. But it's good strategy, wouldn't you agree?"

I shrugged. He had me there.

He continued, "Anyway, I got to get back to the hottub with Kon-El. He promised there would be real ladies this time. Have fun with my friend in the fighters determined to kill you. Toodles."

The view screen went black. I started barking out orders to the crew. They scrambled to their controls and a short dogfight later, we were victorious.

"Ha!" I exclaimed. "Even in space, I'm the better shot."

We returned to the hanger triumphantly. I patted the backs of the various nobodies who were my crew on this mission as they exited the starcraft. "Great job, guys. Way to rescue that freighter....doh!"

I quickly grabbed the last crewman as he walked by me. I punched him in the face as hard as I could. "Hey!" he protested. "What are you doing?"

I gave him a quick jab in the stomach. Then, I glanced over to The Haitian, and gave him the nod. The nod is my signal for him to do what he does best: ice skate. Wait, no....it's the signal for him to do what he does second best: erase memories.

The injured crewman awoke slowly with no recollection of what happened. "Wh-where am I?" he asked.

"Relax," I said, "You're safe now."

"Wha-what happened?"

"You were on a freighter that got stranded in the neutral zone." I helped him to his feet. "I saved you. You were the only survivor."

He was startled at this news. "How could this have happened? I don't remember being on a freighter."

"Yes, well, you seemed to have hit your head pretty good. But you were on it, and I saved you. That's the important thing. The other important thing is that everyone else is dead, so nobody can refute your story."

"Oh," He said, still shocked at the pseudo-news.

Jon and the crew were waiting for us. I handed the crewman turned freighter survivor a life vest. "Here," I said, "put this on. It makes you look more....survivory."