Friday, June 27, 2008
America's Funniest Love Boat
Bob Saget put his arm around me. I felt a little nervous, this being my first date with him on this luxorious cruise ship, but I knew he liked me. I couldn't believe it! I may end up being D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle's new mommy!
Bob pulled out a portable DVD player. "Would you like to watch some home videos?" he asked. I nodded, and he began playing his movies.
"Here I am, riding my bike, and, whoa, I just flipped over the handlebars and knocked out my two front teeth! Hahaha. And now, here's another one, oh, I'm drunk. I'm running into things. I just knocked over my brother's $25,000 vase from ancient China! Hahaha. Oh, now, this one's a good one. I'm jokingly sexually accosting my mother. And here it is. Ooooh, right in the groin! Hahaha!"
Bob couldn't stop laughing. He was distracted. This was my chance! My chance to murder a B-list celebrity! I'd win the challenge for sure! I raised my finger, ready to chop some skulls, when I heard a voice.
I turned and saw Mr. Glasses.
"The challenge is to entertain some B-list celebrities, not murder them."
"It is? Awww. Can I kill him anyways?"
"No!" Mr. Glasses put his foot down.
"Then I'm leaving you!" I threatened.
"I'm not your husband, silly britches."
"Sure you are, we have the same last name! You're Captain Bennet Stubing. I'm Vicki 'Sylar' Stubing!"
"Sylar," he said, breathing heavily, "I am your father."
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" I shrieked. "I hate you, daddy, I hate you!" I ran off, sobbing.
Bob sat there with Mr. Glasses, looking confused. "He wanted to kill me?"
"Well, yeah. Does anybody not want to kill you?"
"But, I thought he really liked me." Bob's eyes started to water, and he ran off, sobbing.
I walked down the Leviathan, all angry 'n stuff. Stupid daddy Glasses! Won't even let me kill people! I don't know how to entertain! Unless my entertaining involves killing people.
As I got near the ship's bar, I heard a familiar voice: "...I tell ya, he's insane. He got our ship piloted into the sun! If I hadn't gotten on an escape pod, I'd be dead! Not only that, but he didn't remember me in Batman! I mean, how many black Harvey Dents are there? Just one! I'm the only brother who could pull it off!"
I squealed in joy as I turned the corner and saw the love of my life, Billy Dee! Now, there was one man I could entertain, if you know what I mean- by sleeping with him, if you know what I mean- though there wouldn't be much sleeping involved if you know what I mean- we'd have sex.
He saw me, and snapped his finger, "Oh no you didn't," he said to me with sass. He turned to run, but I held him in place telekinetically.
"Stop! I'm here to entertain you," I informed him.
"I don't want no entertaining, you'll get me killed!" he responded.
It was then that Bob Saget, in his jealous rage, came up behind me and kicked me in the balls. I fell to the ground, and Lando along with me. As I rolled around on the ground, Bob started to laugh. Then, Lando's rage melted away, and he joined in. And even Luke Skywalker, who Lando was talking to, laughed, too. Then, the laugh track joined in!
I got up, in pain, and put my hand on Lando's shoulder. "Um, like, listen, sexy. I'm sorry I had your ship piloted into a sun. I just wanted to like, murder some peeps and eat some brains."
I turned to Bob Saget. "And I'm sorry, Bob, that I didn't get to kill you."
"It's not too late!" Bob said.
"And I'm sorry I didn't have sleep with you," Lando said, addressing me after I finished murdering Bob Saget. "I'm just not gay. Hmmm. I think I have a solution. Have you met my friend, Mark Hamill here?"
"Hey, sexy," Mark winked at me, and kissed my hand. Oooh, how dreamy.
"What a matchmaker I am. Now, let's all dance! Hit it, Don Johnson!"
And with that, Miami Vice guy, music legend, and teen heartthrob Don Johnson stepped out onto the stage.
"I'm lookin' for a heartbeat!" Don soulfully sang.
"Hey, Don! I've, like, totally got a heartbeat!"
"Yes, yes you do," replied Don, licking his lips.
And with that, we danced the night away, with yours truly in between a sexy man sandwich of Don Johnson and Mark Hamill. Three guests successfully entertained, only one murdered, I think that ended up a pretty good night for me!