Captain’s Log Star date: A bunch of random numbers I made up to sound like I'm in the future. My 15 minute mission to explore strange new green alien chicks. To seek out people who think they speak Klingon and wear those outfits then slap them. And to boldly listen to William Shatner sing like no clone has done before.
“Captain Connell you are a starship captain not an over hormonal teenage superhero in a simulation! This is life not a video game!"
"The name's Kon-EL It's not that hard K_O_N_ E_L." I remind him for the fiftieth time. It's not Connell!"
“He is highly illogical." Says the emotionless green dude.
“And you're a cold robot Spock!"
Rao! They argue like an old married couple. Somehow the simulation must have heard this thought McCoy yells “Are you as turned on as I am?"
“No, NO!” I yell "End simulation! I don't want to be stuck in this!" I hear weird squeaky laughter. Thankfully the hot communications officer,whose name I can't pronounce interrupts.
"Captain Connell! We've received an SOS from the SS Mxylptlk's Revenge they're stuck in the Neutral Zone and you suck."
"I thought the name was Kobayasi Maru! Then again ya can't get my name right so what should I expect, and stop with the insults." Man this program's got a lot of glitches.
I order them to the Neutral Zone and start beaming the survivors aboard then of course the predictable alien attack comes up. But the Klingons look weird, they all got socks clinging to them jeeze some one's into puns.
“We are the Static Clingons surrender now Captain Connell!"
"What is wrong with this program?" I ask my self. Okay well we could do this the normal way, or I could jump out there and destroy the enemy ships, and save the people.
I was about to do that when this big alien thing comes up on screen.
“I want to see which more powerful good is or evil so I will have the most powerful of the Federation, and the Static Clingons fight it out! The one that wins gets the ship!"
I roll my eyes. “Who programmed this?"
I appear on this planet, and the champion runs at me. Man its Beppo the Supermonkey!
I look around and I'm in a gladiator arena. Appropriate, one side is my crew the other is the aliens with socks all over 'em. One guy from my crew in a red shirt ran at 'em and was killed by static electricity socks. Meh, it's just a hologram.
The Super monkey looked all aggressive. "Taking you down will punish Superman for banishing me!"
“Wait you can talk?" I ask. “Anyway a normal monkey if ya put it into a house will destroy everything in it you destroyed cities Supes had to get rid of you."
The monkey charges me and starts scratching my face. I didn't know they have claws or were that strong or that Supermonkeys are fun to punt like foot balls. I was winning the fight with my TTK when I hear " Spock I wish I can quit you." From McCoy.
EEEEEEEWWWWW! I did not want to hear that. Beppo took the distraction to start choking me. “I’m winning, winning!"
“Ya have my (cough) head but also with it my Heat Vision!" I zap the smelly animal off. Man the only super pet I like was the dog the others are jerks.
I look in my pocket no Hostess fruit pie, Dang! Wait a lead box sweet! If it is what I think it is.
The Simian leaps teeth bared for my throat; I open the box "Son of big foot kneel before Kon!" He falls down and notices he has no powers. " Gold Kryptonite sucka it takes away your powers forever!" I shout triumphantly.
The alien that started this laughs. "HO HO! Good show! Who'd a thought that Super Doof junior would be so entertaining.'
"AHA! Mixed Pickle! That's you isn't it?"
The alien growls " Myxzptlk! Doofus!" He turns into the imp that always bothers Superman.
" Monkey putluk?"
" No!" He complains.
"Moneyptzick?" I grin.
"You’re not even trying clone for brains!"
"Ah I got it Kltpzxym." I laugh can see I 'm gettin' to him.
"No not Kltpzxym!" He hollers. Then he realizes what he just did." I said my name backwards you tricked me! The Super Idiot tricked me!"
" Makes ya feel pretty dumb huh? So by the rules the Monkey gave out I get the Kobayashi Maru no resistance, I get to save them. And since you said your name backwards you gotta go away."
He screams and blasts the corpse of the red shirt guy. " Fine you win!" he snaps his fingers and everything is back to normal. With no ugly old dudes making out. I beam the survivors up and then declare "Bring on the Green Women!"
At that moment the simulation stops man just when it's getting good. Jon runs in. " We don't know what happened but the simulation was no longer under our control... and why is there a monkey in a cape?"
"Beppo's still here? Um he's an um gift for the old gladiators! Lemme dress him up!"
So I leave him there at the Old Gladiator's home. The monkey protests. "You can't leave me here! Especially not dressed like this!"
" It's what ya get for butting your way into my challenge and throwing your poo at me! Have fun jerk!" Yeah I'm gonna have to wash up in the Hot tub now.
Meanwhile at the Old Gladiator's home .
" I can't wait to eat that monkey."