Friday, May 30, 2008
I found some kind of drink In Private Hudson's room and we all shared it, and well Man I could feel the colors. Any way I woke up with two hotties in bed with me and the memory that saiyan chicks are wild.
I untangled myself from the hotties, and went into the room for the next challenge, and everyone was saying I groped HS what? I mean okay he was in a holographic disguise thing, but with all my senses I could see through that.
I'll solve this mystery later. I was pretty angsty when I heard I went to the team meeting. And I got baby sitting Xavier duty. It's so obvious the dude is trying to get some hot Jedi action. Actually I don’t blame him.
So pretty much while he pretended he had a headache I fought all the bad guys not a problem, I have all these powers but my favorite shirt and jacket was hearsed, man!
So he sends me out to the engine room to push buttons while drooling, there a bunch of losers come out with some kind of weird ray guns. I was thinkin' maybe I could super hypnotize them since I've always wondered if you know that's why women like me so much. Could I be super hypnotizing them?
Well I tried it " You guys are gettin' sleepy very sleepy!"
They shot me with some with the ray guns and they stung nope I ain't got super hypnotism. “Ha! The Overlord was right the Kryptonian is weak to Red Sun blasts!"
More, and more they zapped I grabbed the floor, and used my TTK making the floor come up and rap them like a double beef burrito. I was dizzy and stumbled my way to the engine room. There guarding the entrance was bargain basement Cybermen.
Man! Gas prices must be bad if evil overlords are buying henchmen from thrift stores. You know how a normal Cyberman says "Delete! Delete!" Well these guys say things like “Beets beets! FEET FEET! And the weirdest one raw meat! Raw meat!"
I bulled my way through the badly built 1960's cyborgs, with like 50 percent of my powers left. Then I look into the engine room, and this was waiting for me.
"Me am not Bizarro Superboy! Me be your best friend! Me not kill you, then me no spank butt of cold red chick!"
Ugh Bizarro talk! I hate Bizzaro talk! This makes my headache like ten times worse. Wait red chick? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HS was Bizarro groped! Jeeze bud! Nice chalky new boyfriend ya got there.
I charge HS' man and find out pretty quickly he's at full power as he choke slams me into the engine console. Damn! If the room could stop spinning I could take this pale imitation of my charming self.
I tried using my heat vision but ended up blasting through the roof, and hearing a mechanical voice yell " No my soufflé it fell flat!"
"Sorry Gyrobo!" Okay it's time to do what all the best superheroes do when they're out matched distract the bad guy with...
Tasty Hostess fruit pies!
"Yes! It is not my weakness! Bad tasty fruit filling in a soft baked crust!" The Bizarro rambles.
I throw it at the engine and he chases it like Superman's dog chases sticks completely destroying the engine, and stopping the ship he crashes through the hull. And is still chasing the thing not that it matters he's no longer an obstacle and the yellow sunlight shining into the big hole made me feel like a million bucks. Meanwhile the force fields closed up the hole keeping evreything from bein' sucked out, because the air was bein sucked like well Green Arrow's pick up lines suck.
As I wonder how I'm gonna tell HS that his new special friend is lost in space chasing a blueberry pie Xavier rolls up. “We did good work my boy!"
“We? I did all the superhero stuff while you sat and watched the Jedi girls fight it out!"
“Ah yes! But you see I'm a great planner and that's whet planners do you my boy are a blunt object that destroys everything in its path."
"Now I'm feeling so good about our great victory that I'll help you out with the ladies!"
I roll my eyes, this should be good.
"Think of the children," I said, trying to inspire some confidence in the weeping semi-man.
"I don't like children," he replied sniffing. "They throw rocks at me and call me names."
Children and some paraplegics are mean like that. I'd have to convince him that this bridge was not like other bridges he had encountered. "Relax," I put a hand on his shoulder, "this bridge isn't like other bridges you have encountered."
"It isn't?" The tears stopped flowing as he looked up at me with hopeful eyes.
"Not at all. On most bridges you die by falling when a crazed archaeologist cuts the ropes. This bridge has a battalion of soldiers waiting to kills us. There's no falling involved whatsoever!"
"Oh, yay!" he jumped to his feet. "I was, like, so totally scared and for nothing, huh?"
I was just about to open the door and enter the bridge when I heard a shrill and nerdy voice. "Not so fast, Mr. Bennet."
I turned and saw the man on a large display screen.
"Bill Gates?" I was stunned. "Shouldn't you be attacking Apple, not Hacknor?"
"Oh, I'm not attacking anyone. Galactor is. I just provide the software for his battle droids, battle computers and various battle peripherals."
"Oh, no! Battle peripherals!" Sylar screamed.
"Listen, Gates, we're taking this bridge. No giant head on a screen is going to stop me, not even yours."
"Ah, defiance. Good!" He smiled, "I needed to beta-test my Battle Droid Vista OS with Microsoft Office on some life...volunteers."
Ball-shaped robots rolled out from nowhere. They sprung open, encased with a force field of some sort.
Sylar threw his rifle at them. It hit the force field and fell to the floor. "Oops, I thought it was my pointy stick thingy," he said. Then, he grabbed my sabre and said, "this will work!" as he threw it at them. It also hit the force field and fell to the floor. "Hmm...I really thought that would work. It's all pointy and everything."
More battle droids of every make and model began marching into the corridor. "We're doomed!" a shiny gold protocol droid said from behind us as it ducked behind Sylar.
"I have a bad feeling about this," I said.
Bill Gates spoke from his giant screen, "Give my regards to Netscape."
"Quick!" I yelled at Sylar. "Use that gay robot as a shield with your telekinesis!"
"West?" he asked.
"No, the cowering gold thing behind you."
The battle droids began firing at us. Sylar quickly lifted the timid android into the air in front of us. "Oh, my! This is highly uncalled for!" it whined as it absorbed the blasts.
"Keep blocking their fire while I hack into this console!" I began typing away at a nearby computer. Once inside the network, I downloaded and installed Google Pack.
Override Microsoft default settings with Google products?
I hit the enter key.
The battle droids stopped firing at us. They began chanting "Do no evil."
"Wow! Like, you totally saved us, Mr. Glasses!"
A gold pile of wires and debris said, "Speak for yourself. All my parts are ruined!"
The battle droids offered to show us ads relevant to broke protocol droid parts, but there was no time. The only thing we were searching for was behind the next door.
"You may have defeated those droids," Bill Gates said. "But you'll never get past General Stonewall Jackson!"
"Oh, no!" Sylar screamed. "Is that a bridge?"
"No, you fool," Gates replied. "It's a person. Look." He began typing away at controls. "You see...let me just bring up his Wikipedia entry...one second."
"Umm..." he went red. "Hold on, just a second." More dings followed. Then suddenly the entire screen went blue. The audio was still coming through with words that would make Koma blush.
"Uh, oh....I think he just blue himself," Sylar giggled.
I turned to the bridge door and hit the access pad. The door slid open.
I immediately could tell which one was the infamous Stonewall. He would be the one on the horse. He didn't seem to be expecting us.
"What in the tarnation?" he gasped. "You isn't supposed to be in here, fella."
"That's Mrs. Fella to you!" Sylar snapped back with a hand on his hip.
The man charged us on horseback with his sword in hand. "Now would be a good time to have my pointy stick thingy," I glared at Sylar.
"Sorry," he winced.
I whistled, and my faithful jet-powered horsie, uh, I mean, horse came running. "Grab on to something!" I said and flipped on the horse's jet pack.
It shot forward, right into the windshield. The charging Confederate general and his horse were quickly sucked out into space. I held on tight to railing, as did Sylar. He was screaming like my supposed son, Lyle.
Inside the bridge, some Japanese fish was calling out orders. Many battle droids were sucked out into space before an emergency blast door closed off the windshield.
The inside atmosphere stabilized, and Sylar and I let go. We walked triumphantly over to the Japanese fish. "Anatawa makeinu desu," I said.
"I don't speak Japanese; it's just an accent because I'm part fish," it replied.
Suddenly the entire ship shook. "We've been hit!" the fish shouted.
I looked on the console. The Executive was firing at us. Did the other team fail in their mission? That ship should have been disabled by now! Either the other team was cheating or Galactor discovered our mission.
"You have to get us landed safely," I told the fish.
"No, thank you. I run for escape pod now." He and the battle droids ran out of the bridge in a panic.
"Strap yourself in!" I told Sylar.
"You promised no falling!" he screamed, jumping into the nearest chair.
"Extend all flaps and drag things!" I commanded. Sylar began clicking away at his console.
The ship must have been badly damaged as it began to fall rapidly into Hacknor's atmosphere. I pulled at the controls, doing my best to steer it in for a somewhat safe landing. It would have been much easier to do with working engines. The ship, or at least the half left of it, crashed softly into the barracks hot tub.
"Well, we made it," I slapped Sylar on the back. "Let's go."
"Hold on," he replied. "I'm almost done with my game."
I looked down at his console. "You're playing solitaire?"
I walked up to Jon who apparently didn't notice the falling spaceship. He and Henchman 432 were standing around talking about tennis.
Jon said, "We should hurry and play if we're going to play. It's getting late. They'll be done with the challenge soon, and we'll have to judge them."
Henchman replied, "Yeah, I kinda lost track of the time, and then it was like quarter to 6, and I thought, "Oh crap, I need to play tennis." And then "Oh crap, I'm hungry, I'll die if I play tennis." And then I ate, and now I say, "Oh crap, I'll crap if I play tennis."
I tossed the keys to the disabled half-ship at Jon. "She's all yours, interglockenspiel."
Our team assembled in the conference to try and come up with some kind of plan. Kon-El was looking filled with angst, as usual. He may be a Kryptonian powerhouse, but he's not much of a thinker. Gyrobo was making odd clicking noises and studying very intently the grain of the conference table. The two Jedis, Erifia and Dark Nephaira, well . . they're rather attractive. Sort of in a Ginger and Mary Ann kind of way. I went on a date actually once with Erifia. It ended with a bang. More of a shoot out really. We never did have a second date.
My gaze kept returning back to the Jedis. They were both wearing very clingy, revealing outfits. Nepharia had changed her hair to platinum, rather than the fiery red I had seen before. I was admiring the curves of the costume when Kon spoke up.
"So what's the plan, man?"
They were all looking at me. Except for Gyrobo who was standing on his head facing the wall. A plan? Fine. Perhaps something to get me some alone time with Nepharia.
"We'll split up into teams of two," I said. "I'll go with . ." I was about to say Nepharia when another idea occurred to me. There was obviously a lot of tension between the Jedi girls. Perhaps of they were forced to be together, they might fight. Some of their sexy battle suits might be torn away. Perhaps they would get locked an embrace. Maybe the moment might overcome them and they would kiss.
My body shuddered. "I'll go with Kon-El. We'll, um, take out the engine room. Erifia and Dark Nepharia will go together. Your goal is . . the command center."
"What about Gyrobo?" Erifia asked.
"Who? Oh, right. We'll he can take control of the weapons bay."
Everyone left the room and went to their respective ships. "Ready Kon?" I asked as we boarded the Rust Bucket.
He rolled his eyes. "Whatever, man." Definitely the dark and brooding type. Kind of like a James Dean in a tight black shirt.
As we approached the Executive, I telepathically scanned the ship. Alarms had already started sounding before we even left the surface. I reached into the minds of the mission control room and had them send the fighter ships out to investigate the larger of Hacknor's moons. I then had the officers tell the laser cannon gunners that we were a friendly ship. As our shuttles approached I had the flight deck crews open landing bays for us. The easy part was accomplished.
Unfortunately the alarms were still sounding. I can take over a few minds at a time, but not 25,000. As Kon and I made our way to the engine room, squads of uniformed soldiers kept trying to stop us. Their laser blasters seemed to have no effect on Kon, other than disintegrating his shirt. He seemed to relish attacking the hapless soldiers. He reminds me a bit of Wolverine actually. A very useful character.
Since the manual labor was well in hand, I let my attention focus on Erifia and Nepharia. During their long march towards the bridge, they regularly paused to exchange minor blows. Anticipation was driving me crazy. Just when I thought they were about to erupt into a full blown cat fight, Kon interrupted me.
"We're here, man," he said.
I looked around and saw we were already in the engine room and he had laid out most of the personnel there.
"Uh, good work," I told him. "Find the override and bring us to a full stop."
"Why do I have to do all the work, man? Why don't you pull your own weight for once?"
"Quite simple, Kon. We all have our specializations. Yours is doing the grunt work. Mine is doing the thinking. Pushing buttons falls into the grunt work category which means it is your task. Telling you what to do falls into the thinking category, and is therefore my burden. Now go do it."
With a grunt he stalked off to the control panel. I quickly returned my telepathic attention to the Jedi girls. They had successfully taken the bridge but it seemed that Nepharia was about to fire the Executive's weapons on the Invisible Gland, thereby destroying the other team. While that would have made this competition much easier, I felt some obligation to Captain Koma since he had helped restore my brain to its body recently. Consider this "debt paid" Koma.
I talked Nepharia out of destroying the other team, in part by promising to play Master and Apprentice when we get back to Hacknor. Hopefully that is as much fun as it sounds.
"Hmph," I responded, cold shouldering him. "I'm not going to talk! You're totally my ex! We used to have some hot action between the two of us but then...Hey, wait a minute. I'm talking! I'm supposed to be not talking to you!" I shut my sexy mouth once again.
"But you tried to kill me!"
"You started it!" I snapped back.
"Listen," Mr Glasses began, "we don't have time for this! We're here, and the shields are down! Now do you want to tell me your secret weapon and why we're wearing these stupid uniforms so we can start killing people?"
"Ok!" I shrieked, turning towards Mr. Glasses, clapping and giggling like a madwoman! We got off of our transport ship, into the dock part of the ship we were to take down, and I opened the door to the cargo bay. Out stepped two little horsies! I used my super-mind trick to hoist Mr. Glasses onto one, and saluted him.
"Sylarkins, reporting for duty, sir!" I shouted. "We're the cavalry, so we need to act like them! Here's your rifle, and your pointy-stick thingie," I said, handing Mr. Glasses a rifle and a pointy-stick thingie.
"You mean a saber?"
I looked at Mr. Glasses for a moment before bursting out in laughter. "No, silly, that's not a tiger!"
He shook his head. "We can't go charging in there with rifles and pointy-stick thingies when we'll surely be facing armies of storm troopers and rebels!"
"Ewwww, my horsie just farted," I exclaimed, covering my nose. "It's stinky! But I digress! We'll be fine, these horsies have jet packs! CHARRRRGE!"
I spanked my horsie, and it ran towards our destination. Mr. Glasses reluctantly followed! As expected, we ran into a wave of storm troopers! They shot blaster thingies at me, which I shielded Mr. Glasses from! Because everyone knows, I can get shot and not die for some reason! It must be like, one of my powers or something! I can't remember them all!
Anyways, Mr. Glasses and I shot and sliced them down easily! The henchmen out of the way (hopefully not the honorable Henchman 432), we were free to procede to the engine room, and so we did. "Hey, we're in the engine room!" I observed.
But the voice that responded from within was one most fearful. "You can't take my cousin away from me! I love her! She's the mother of my daughter/second cousin!"
"Confederates!" Mr. Glasses shrieked in fear. Within the room, we saw dozens of bearded, drunken, inbred warriors with rifles. The kryptonite of the cavalry! I thought for a moment, using all the power that my 3 brain cell could like, conjure!
"It's ok, Mr. Glasses, I have a plan!" I reached into a satchel he was carrying, and pulled his laptop from it! I opened up his blog page, and threw it to them!
"My virtual diary, NOOoooOOocoOOOoOOOooOOO!" Mr. Glasses wailed.
But my plan was working! The Confederates were trying to read it! "What does this word mean?" one asked another. "T-H-E? I reckon it means 'to he,' another interjected." Damn! He was good! He actually read it correctly! But it was still distracting them.
During the illiterate confusion, Mr. Glasses and I slaughtered them! Swinging our rifles, shooting our pointy-stick thingies! The rebels didn't even fight back as they struggled to read! And soon, they were all dead. We were triumphant!
After the last one was killed, Mr. Glasses went to pick up his laptop. We both heard a cocking (hehe, cocking) of a rifle! We turned in the direction of the sound, and found the cousin-loving soldier, with his cousin at his side, who was licking at his ear lustfully as he aimed his rifle at Mr. Glasses.
Mr. Glasses raised his rifle and fired! *Click* OMG, no bullets! He looked helplessly at me. "Sylar, help!"
I raised my rifle, and fired! *Click* No bullets, either! Now, I didn't know what to do! We were the cavalry, and cavalries didn't use telekinetic super mind tricks! So, it was against the rules to use mine! But I...Mr. Glasses was my BFF at one time, and near-lover at another! I couldn't just let him die!
But I came up with an idea! I threw my pointy-stick thingie into the air! With my super mind trick, I threw it across the room! A hit!
The ear-licking cousin fell to the ground, dead, with a pointy-stick thingie protruding from her tummy. Oh well! Close enough.
The soldier dropped his rifle, and fell to his knees next to her. "Bobby-Sue, NOOooOOocoOOoOO!" He wailed at her side, and stuck his tongue in her ear canal as he cried. I giggled at my success!
Mr. Glasses walked up to me. "Sylar. You saved my life. You must really love..."
"Awww, Mr. Glasses, if anyone's going to kill you, it's going to be me!"
He nodded in approval, and stepped over to a computer which ran the engines, typing away hotly. "There! A computer virus! That should stop the engines!"
With Mr. Glasses' tomfoolery, the engines screeched to a hault! "Oh Mr. Glasses, we did it! I feel like I could kiss you!" I leaned in close to him, closing my eyes and puckering my lips.
"Hold that thought. We still have to get to the bridge!"
My eyes bulged and I think I wet myself. "The BRIDGE?!"
To be continued in Mr. Bennet's post....
I hate her.
Professor X, doesn’t know this, or didn’t know this. He was all like, “I think it would be the best course of action for Kon-El to come with me. The two women can go together. They are both from the same universe.”
Thanks Professor, observations are key. Because the whole time I was at this little meeting from Mustafar, I was glaring at Nepharia. She was glaring at me. Men are so unobservant. You give them a little hint and they miss it totally.
We flew on Nepharia’s small ship, my Langorian ship is big and bulky to say the least. The docking bay was empty when we landed, and I used the force to go invisible. Nepharia was less gifted. Her control of the force was more about… Blunt, obvious explosions. Mine is like… Quiet, Guile Sneaking.
I pulled out my two sabers… White and Purple. My babies. It had been awhile since I used them. Nepharia… Let’s just say, she’s not very quiet. As she left her tiny ship, she tripped over six boxes. Somehow, the henchmen didn’t notice.
I think it has something to do with their helmets. I shook my head… Ridiculous. She can’t be subtle. She got in front of me, the Henchman still weren’t acting… What was wrong with them?
I started running forward to scout ahead, and she held out her foot, and I went face first into the ground, “OUCH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!” I shouted standing up. The Henchman heard that.
In a fight, Nepharia was an asset. We fought back to back, my sabers going, her sabers flying, lightning bolts from her, throwing sabers from me. We started dancing into the crowd and as we were bouncing around I was in the middle of a graceful maneuver when she punched me in the face!
It wasn’t even an oops. So I force shoved her into a group of them, and went flying over her head. I hate Sith. I hate Women. Nepharia’s got two strikes against her from the start.
Getting to the bridge was easy. Two force packing, light saber carrying women can make short work of anyone or anything in their way.
Once on the bridge, the big boss-man was sitting in the control station. He was a strange looking character with long finger nails, long black hair, and glowing eyes. He turned to us, “Ahhh… Yes… Nepharia, Erifia… I understood Jon was forcing you to come on board… Do either of you have green eyes?”
“Then you are of no use to me!” He growled and closed his hand, and a bunch more henchmen popped out. These ones were all wearing tight black clothes, with a red foot on their head… Where do these people…uhm…find these people?
Nepharia wasted no time blasting a group of them with force lightning, “So,” she said, “Ever think about coming back to the dark-side?” She said leaping up, and the foot people followed her.
I jumped backwards, kicking one in the face, suddenly I had a brilliant idea, I pictured everyone as Nepharia. That made me smile real big. I kicked Nepharia in the face, “No. I’m good. Literally and I’m going to stay here.”
“Well!” She said, throwing her saber, I ducked it hit a foot guy behind me, and I rolled out of its way coming back, my two sabers flying around, cutting off the foot guys feet, “What if we promised you cookies… We have great cookies.”
Wow, the dark side must be desperate, “What kind of cookies?” I asked leaping above the Captain’s burst of light from his eyes.
“No!” I said grabbing onto one of the lights on the ceiling and hanging on. There was a strange man, he was sitting there with a bag with the number 6 on it, and a bottle of liquid.
“What about if it was the only way to survive? What if you had to go evil so you can… Save the Jedi Temple? Then we could hang out, be friends, kill innocent people daily, be the fist of Darth Sidious…”
“No, not even in your hypothetical situation, I still hate you,” I said. The strange man intrigued me, but I didn’t have a chance as the captain’s eyes made the light collapse and I went falling down.
“How many you got left?” She asked, with a evil laugh.
“Looks like 5.”
“I’ve been done, slowpoke,” she taunted. I fell on the captain, and I started punching him in his face, repeatively, “That’s-What-You-Get-For-Shooting-Stuff-Out-Of-Your-Eyes-You-Are-Worthless,” he was unconscious, “I beat the boss of the level, that’s more points then the henchmen!”
“Whatever,” said the elder sith. She took hold of the controls, and she pulled the ship around pointing it at the other ship attacking, she looked at a big red button… I looked at the big red button.
“Want to make the competition a lot easier?” she asked me.
“You know, that’s the first thing I enjoyed hearing all night.”
She hit the button…
Out of the front of the ship a flag shout out, unraveled and said, “BANG!”
Yellow Foot Hugs, and Sith Jedi Kisses,
Thursday, May 29, 2008
(‘Bloody’ in this case is meant as an expletive. Everyone knows robots can’t really bleed. They have no hearts, those heartless creatures! Anyway, ‘bloody’ is an expression I picked up from my new friend, Captain Koma. He’s the world’s greatest defender of Australia. I think he’s totally an alien. I mean, Oz is almost like another planet, right?)
So anyway, I woke up in this weird dimension of sight and sound…and the only word I could think to describe it is ‘fabulous.’
“There’s a gay bar on this ship?” I asked, my voice hoarse after being attacked by the robot troopers. “I mean, were Koma and I even reading the right map?”
“They come standard on all Galactic Overlord ships,” a trooper replied gruffly. “But we’re the one asking the questions here, and the question is—can you keep up with us on the dance floor? Mwahahahaha!”
My captors pushed me into this disco supernova, and with the muzzles of their laser guns digging into my back they forced me to dance to Placebo, TRex and Roxy Music. A never-ending beat tore at my eardrums, and colored lights hypnotized me until I was in their thrall.
“What is the weakness of the Intergalactic Gladiators?” A robot trooper hissed into my ear as he ground against my hip. “Tell us or we’ll force-feed you Bacardi Mojitos!”
“Noooooooooooooooooo!” I wailed, but the dulcet tunes of Kelly Clarkson drowned out my despair.
“The prisoner is resisting our interrogation!” the lead robot yelled, then poured the Mojito down my throat.
“We know your accomplice deactivated our shields, and that your other two accomplices are sexy and feisty. We suspect there are more following. We also know that none of this matters, for we shall conquer Hacknor. Now tell us everything you know!”
“Okay, okay!” I cried out. “My name is West Rosen. I am an alien god from St. Louis. I can fly circles around you pathetic robots! And…” my resolve was weakening. “And…” I heard laser fire and shouts over the music. “And all you bastards are going to fall by Koma’s hand!”
The battle was fierce, but Koma emerged from the smoke of burning trooper robots victorious and unscathed. (Or maybe the smoke was from the smoke machine? It was hard to tell, the Bacardi was making me tipsy.)
I ran up to Koma and gave him a big hug.
“Bloody kids,” he muttered and pushed me away. “C’mon mate, we need to clear out so Bennet and Sylar can finish this off.”
“Wait!” I cried as we were about to leave the Invisible Gland’s gay bar. “There’s still something that we’ve got to do!”
I grabbed a blaster from a fallen trooper and shot apart the bar’s sound system.
“What the bleedin’ hell was that about?” Koma asked.
I pointed at the sign above the DJ’s booth: In case of emergency, this sound equipment operates as an auxiliary shield generator.
“Robot technology is sinister like that.” I quipped. I handed the blaster to Koma. "I guess I owe you a life debt now, Captain."
I like Xavier. I especially like his haircut. With his advanced telepathic abilities, he was able to create a high-quality blueprint of the Executive so we at least had a roadmap of the territory we were going into.
However, for a telepath, he’s not the most observant person I’ve met. I mean, let’s take Erefia: she hates me. I can understand why: she is a Jedi and I am a Sith – it’s just the way of things. I once tried to turn her to the dark side, and would have succeeded were it not for the fact that she wanted to return to the Jedi order, confused as she was at the time.
But all that aside, we definitely have some history. During our team briefing, when the plans were discussed and explained, Erifia glared at me the whole time. And being the Sith that I am, I returned the favor in kind.
At the end of the briefing, however, Xavier decided that the teams were going to be divided by gender: girls, boys, and genocidal robots. Girls have the bridge, boys have the engine room, and the robots….well, Gyrobo could do whatever the hell he wanted.
Erifia looked about as happy about the arrangement as I did: she wasn’t. But in the name of the gladiatorial competition, we bit our tongues and moved forward.
Erifia said she didn’t have enough fuel in her ship to take it and said we had to take mine – and she didn’t even offer to pay for some of the gas. Just like Jedi: they are all just so cheap – the
However, as we approached the Executive, it was almost as if they were expecting us: one of the landing bays was left open and unprotected. It was way too easy.
It wasn’t until we left the docking area did we find out the ship was under an advanced alert. Someone had told them we were coming and I was sure it was those Malfians.
We finally encountered a large group of soldiers on our way to the bridge. Our main defense was to deflect their blaster fire back at them with a more direct approach for those that got within saber range.
In our spare moments, we took pot shots at one another: it was a lot of fun. I think Erifia took it a little too seriously because she force shoved a group of soldiers in my direction after I sucker punched her in the middle of what she referred to as a “graceful maneuver.” Those Jedi: it’s always form over function with them.
Getting to the bridge was actually a great deal of fun – a lot of work, but I felt a sense of accomplishment when we got there.
The person at the helm was an interesting looking specimen: I’d seen characters like him at pod races in the Hutt box seats. After discovering neither of us had green eyes, he became incensed and summoned these warriors that reminded me a lot of Jedi, except they didn’t have light sabers, just some metal swords that were of no use. They were dispatched with a little force lighting, knocking them all back.
”You could learn to do that also if you would return to the dark side,” I told Erifia, then smiled wide. “Our benefits are even better now: we have cookies.”
A few of the warriors started waking up again and Erifia took up a defensive pose, “No, I’m good – literally – and I’m going to stay here.” She did a roundhouse kick on the first warrior that approached her, knocking him cold. A second was behind Erifia and I threw my saber at him: Erifia ducked just in time for me to take him out. It’s a shame she declined my offer, I think we work well together.
The strange-looking man at the helm appeared to have his own Force powers, as I saw a burst of light come from his mouth aimed at Erifia. She nimbly jumped out of the way and up to a light protruding from the ceiling. When the man fired light at her again, she dropped, landing on him and then began beating the living daylights out of him until he lay battered and unconscious. It’s a crying shame, indeed, she declined becoming my apprentice.
I heaved a sigh and moved to the empty helm console. “You know,” I began as I used the console to maneuver the ship into position, “If we took out the Invisible Gland, we could make this gladiatorial competition a lot easier.”
She stood up once again and put her hands on her hips. “You know, Nepharia, that’s the first thing you’ve said all night that I actually agree with.” We both smiled.
Moving to the weapons console, I heard something. Nepharia….
I stopped a moment and looked at Erifia. She looked at me and asked “What are you waiting for?”
Nepharia, I sense you are planning on doing something foolish. It was Xavier.
Well aren’t you just the sensitive little telepath, I thought back. I thought about eliminating the competition, if you must know.
While I admit that getting rid of the Malfians would rid the blogging universe of a certain amount of insanity, it may disqualify you as a gladiator, he thought.
Do you honestly think that a little thing like being disqualified as a gladiator would stop me from wonton killing? I asked.
Well….no, but I thought I’d give it a try….he responded. How about we discuss this later after we get back to the gladiators’ dorm?
How about we go back to the gladiators’ dorm and play Master and Apprentice? I suggested.
I’m game, so long as you don’t destroy the other ship, he finally thought.
Nice try, I thought before reaching out and pressing the launch button on the weapons console. Except nothing happened. I ran to the communications console and hailed the weapons section, but it came up on caller ID as “Galley”.
“This is Nepharia, Erefia and I are on the bridge – we need weapons control now!”
“Why?” I heard a strangely familiar voice answer
”Because we’re coming under attack,” I answered. “Who is this?”
”It’s Gyrobo,” he answered indignantly. “I didn’t hear any attacks,” he said.
”Dammit, Gyrobo, give me weapons control now!” I yelled into the comm, grabbing the sides of the terminal.
”I can’t,” he answered calmly; “I took them offline.”
”You what!?” I screamed, squeezing the terminal so hard a piece of it broke off in my hand. “Why on earth would you do that?” I asked, tossing the broken piece to the deck.
”Why, I’m baking a soufflé and I didn’t want it to fall,” he answered as if it made perfect sense.
I don’t remember destroying the communications panel, just the smell of freshly burnt electronics.
Xavier, I hope you enjoy playing an apprentice, I thought as I left the bridge
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
It goes - Donny Most must die. Die die die. Its a nice little ditty put together by Bennet.
Also that Sylar guy prepared a lovely curry. I asked him what it was he called it Jamaican Gumbo. Bennet our leader started talking 'bout paper and killing the other contestants. Yeah right! As if he's a leader. Bennets so crazy he could puzzle a possum. So's I take charge and set stuff up.
I put myself in the sneaky advance party. Young Westy puts his hand up and volunteers for it. Thats something you gotta respect, unfortunately if he didn't come on the advance party the whole incident wouldn't have happened.
Ya see Westy's a few Kangaroos short of the top paddock, if you know what I mean.
Oh! you don't know what I mean.
He's got some kind of psychosis that makes him think everyone's a robot. Well not everyone just people who he doesn't like. It comes together in this huge conspiracy that he's made up. Apart from that he's your regular teen.
I asked young Westy if he had any experience in being a sneaky bastard and he was a bit surprised. It wasn't the sneaky it was my casual bloody swearing.
"Captain if I swore like that the robots would wash my mouth out." he told me.
Nothing wrong with the words that I use. Its natural for an Ozzie to swear a bit. C'mon didn't you see the tourism add with the hot chick askin' "Where the Bloody Hell are ya?"
He seemed a bit happy bout finding that out.
He told me "When I get the back from this bloody reality game show I'm gonna move to your bloody country."
Course you can kid. We only stop refugees and Muslims, cause your President told us to.
So while we waited for Ciera and Hot Stuff to get their distraction underway I taught Westy a few sneaky bastard tricks.
"You kick guys in the groin? Thats low." exclaimed Westy.
Nah mate! Their called Balls or Nuts. Callin' it the groin, Ha! thats PC sh!t. This kids got a lot to learn bout bein' a hero and adventuring.
"But what if someone kicks me there?" he asked.
Good question Westy. You wear one of these.
"A Cup?" he protested.
Mate! thats not a cup its a BOX. Ya put a drink in a cup not your balls.
He went all red. What is it with kids these days. I gave him his box and told him to wear it.
"Is it new?" he asked.
No its the one I used when I assaulted the castle of Lesbian Vampires.
"Really?" he replied
Yeah right as if!
Finally Ciera teleported us over.
Ciera was able to hack a map of the ship.
She was a good hacker well trained typical Star Fleet hack, by the book. Thing is if you want to be a sneaky bastard you don't do it by the book do you. Cause the bad guys have already read the book and got sneaky too. So halfway through we got company.
"Halt! don't move." shouted a guard.
Ok kid just follow my lead. I whispered to Westy.
"Put your weapons down and turn around slowly." the guard ordered.
I put my blaster down and turned around Westy followed suit. He took one look at the two guards and he started sweating.
"Robots..." he mumbled under his breath.
The guard came over and came to pat us down. He went to me first. It was no robot, just your run of the mill trooper. When he finished checking for weapons he took his eyes off me and started moving to Westy.
I took my chance and kicked him in the nuts. He went down like sack of spuds, steel capped boots'll do that. I picked up my blaster and fired at the other trooper I winged him.
Time run kid. I told West. But he'd lost it. He ran at the wounded trooper.
"Robot I'm gonna kill you." he screamed.
The trooper took one look at him and fired. Westy fell on the trooper he was shot but not fatally. The mission was the important thing otherwise Hacknor would be obliterated.
I had to finish the mission then save Westy.
Flying my ship towards the enemy was the easy part. After we were boarded and HotStuff went back to keep them busy with his charms I kept myself busy creating a small swarm of sensor ghosts for the enemy ship. And for good measure, I jammed their comm lines, I even managed to hack in far enough to mess up their inship communications.
At the same time I keep trying to coach HS along... he doesn't make a very good girl. Even I'm not buying his act, his high pitched girly voice still sounds guy-ish. He's trying though. From the chatter I hear in my ear, he's not a very good dancer if he can't lead.
They're trying to hack my ship, having traced the source of the intererence...I hate it when that happens. HS said something I heard with only one ear. "Keep them busy HS!"
A large arm comes around in front of me and puts me in a headlock just as Hotstuff asks me if I want to trade places with him ---- uhm...YES!
I struggle against my captor, unable to see anything beyong meaty hands and the clock ticking on the control board. Koma and West are waiting for me to beam them over to the other ship so that they can take out the shields. I kick backwards and bite down on my captors arm. He cries out...I hear a small blast and the guy goes down. I turn to see my sidekick Kirk standing there grinning at me.
"I might not be able to help you out with the challenge," he said. "But no ones gonna hurt my girl."
Just then...my timer goes off...and so does the fire alarms and suppression system. Foam is showering down on me.
"What the heck? Who triggered the fire suupression system?"
I hurry to my control panel, to see that the arlarm was activated in the back...where Koma and West had hidden in the tiny transporter room.
"Sorry, Ciera...I tripped and hit the button on the wall," answered one of them.
"Never mind!" With one hand I work at shutting them off and with the other, I beam the two of them over.
"Ciera!" said HS hurrying into the cockpit. "We got a problem, one guy got off an alert.. Please tell me you are done.."
"Koma and West are over there...I just have to shut these alarms down and keep them busy..." My tiny ship rocks as they blast us with some sort of laser. "Great. Kirk, you and HS head back to the gun turrets...I'll fly evasive manuevers until the ship quits firing."
The two head off to the back.
As I continue working and I hear my ships guns firing back, I couldn't help but think how hilarious HS looked with half the holo suit damaged and blinking on and off!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
He points his gun st West who had his back to us..
Koma clears his throat, "You can't shoot contestants remember..." He then walks to the center of the room, kind of reminds me of my football coach, " I have a plan.. We will divide up into 3 teams.. Team 1. A diversion party- who will distract the ship while the advance party sneak on the ship, Team 2.. An advance party - who will sneak onto the ship and take out the shields and finally Team 3 The cavalry party - they will be the major force who bring the pain after the ships shields have been deactivated...."
Before Koma could finish Bennet jumps in, "Ciera! You are on Team 1.. I mean with a body like that she is sure to divert a lot of attention.."
I look at Miss Ciera and she doesn't look happy, finally she speaks after obviously carefully choosing her words, "I am well trained by Starfleet including holographic programming and other related technology! I can complete the task of diversion," she nods at Koma and then turns to Bennet, "but not because of my sex or appearance... "
As if what she said went in one ear and right out the other Bennet announces, "Fine fine.. For your protection on this assignment to play the damsel in distress, the other girl will go. HS put on your best dress. You are on Team 1!"
"WHAT!!!" I exclaimed, did this guy really still think I was girl! "Hey I am a guy!" He thought I was a girl when he picked me for this team and still he thinks I am a girl...
Koma shaking his head walked over to Ciera and myself, "The ship in distress is a good idea but... Ciera, Since your Starfleet, you are head honcho for team 1, make your plans and as soon as Team 2 gets your signal they will move.."
She nodded like a good officer and grabbed my arm pulling me out of the room... I of course was still arguing with Bennet.
I looked at Ciera as we made way for the transport Vessel and asked, "Please tell me again ... Why am I dressed like this?"
"Look here buckwheat - I've got the training, I know how to jam sensors, divert systems and how to use transporter beams which we will need to get team 2 on to that ship.. do you?" She looked at me sternly, one of her eyebrows raising...
"I didn't think so... Now to do this I have to be in close range.. It is unlikely that ship would stop to help a ship in distress, more likely they would blow us up.." She was beginning to sound like a Vulcan... "but men in space get lonely..."
She then looked at me and flashed an evil grin, "besides you look adorable.. especially after I activated the Holo-body.."
She did a double take at me, looking in shock, "HS! stop .. stop groping yourself.."
I couldn't help it, I mean they felt .. real, "They feel real.. what is this some kind of changeling net?"
It was something I heard Galen mention before...
She laughed, "It's a holographic body that fits snuggly over yours... Now come on.."
As we were working our way to the transport Vessel I heard whistling and then someone grabbed my butt.. Oh no, NOT Kon...
I pulled away and saw Ciera about falling on the flight deck laughing... I yell, "Back OFF KON!"
He withdrew... "HS is that... oh man I do not want to know.."
He made a quick exit.. I looked at Ciera, "Thanks now I will never live this down.."
"Don't worry," she replied, still laughing. "Ni ether will he!!"
We boarded the Vessel and went up to where we needed to be... Close enough for Ciera to work her wonders...
She looked at me, "Now you hail them and when we are boarded you keep those men busy back there..." She pinted to the cargo hold, " HS don't let them come up here!"
Her hands sure did move quickly over her console, as if she'd done this a time or two before.
I saluted and then hailed the ship... "This.."
She shut the the speaker off and nudged me, "too masculine.. change your voice... like if someone kicked you... in the little boys you know.."
In a higher voice I tried again, "This is ... Kelly Ann.. We are .. um in trouble and need help.."
I couldn't believe it was working but it was.. We were being boarded... Now I had to entertain these cretins in the back while Ciera did her part...
Her hands sure did move quickly over her console, as if she'd done this a time or two before. It was really fun working with her.. Though I haven't had time to post all her jokes and teasing... I told her good luck and she chuckled, "To you too.."
I went to the back of the transport Vessel, to greet our company...
6 large males entered in their Uniforms..
"Well well well, what do we have here?" One said grabbing my arm...
In that high pitch voice I yelled as I pushed him away, "Not that kind of girl.."
Ciera put something in my ear so I could hear her and left the comm on so she could hear me...
I tried playing tea party.. But they wanted me to dance...
"Dance HS! I need more time!" I heard Ciera...
I squeaked, "NO no no.... I can't do that.. " I say to Ciera...
"Keep them busy HS!" she barked...
"Would you like to trade places with me?" I whispered over my shoulder just as one man slapped my butt...
"HEY!" As I yelled in my normal voice they looked at me strange. I had to change my voice , "I mean.. Hey.. don't do that.:"
"We can do anything we want girly...You know who we serve?" One stated...
"No..." Was what I said but actually i do lump head... was what I was thinking
"We serve Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord !" they boasted...
"really?" I said with sarcasm
"And we are going to destroy Hacknor!" they cheered...
"Not if we can help it.." I whispered under my voice
"What was that Tramp!" One guy, the biggest one leered at me
"nothing" I tried giggling like my cousin Vella...
The biggest one licked his lips and responded, "but first girly we are going to celebrate our Victory with you!"
"Ciera... please hurry.. things are getting ugly.." I called out... but all I hear is static in reply.
They were coming in closer...
Okay screw this .. My father raised me to fight.. As the biggest one came close I kneed him hard sending him down and then I tossed a right hook blood splattered across the bulk head...
I kicked another through some cargo boxes... Two grabbed me and I tossed them into each other and with a few more punches and a cleverly placed tea pot over the head they were out... One of the last two hit his communicator....
I blew a breath of fire at him and his buddy... Suddenly alarms began blaring and foam and lightening bolts began raining from the ceiling..
"WHAT the HELL!" I heard Ciera say, "Who triggered the fire suppression systems.."
I ran to her, "We got a problem, one guy got off an alert.. Please tell me you are done.."
TBC with Ciera's post..
Monday, May 26, 2008
I guess I drank way too much but it was a real fun Party.
Someone nudged me, "Hey Devil.. The next challenge is up and The Malfian Tribe is having a meeting.."
"alright Mom I am up.." I grumbled and then looked a bit shocked when I saw Koma starring at me...
"Come on Kid, I have a plan.." He smiled... I stumble through the mess and out to the hall..
Nepharia, Erifia and Ciera were all giggling and looking at me...
"Fun party last night wasn't?" One teased
Another jumped in, "Especially when the LSG fans crashed it, Huh.. HS"
"Yeah I think Kon is going to get millions for this picture he took of you" The last chimed..
I looked at it.. Uh oh... Shiara is going to kill me...
Koma pulled me away and we went to the secret meeting area ....
I pulled one of the T shirts Jon had for us to wear and sat down in a chair...
I put my head in my hands... Man do I have a hang over and Somehow I got to get the negatives of that picture and all copies from Kon...