Thursday, June 26, 2008

Mission Six: Love is Blind

"I am Gavin MacLeod of the clan MacLeod," I said withdrawing my katana. "There can be only one!" With one quick swipe, followed by a few hacks and a dice, I decapitated the acne-ridden busboy.

Sylar giggled as he chased after the rolling head.

Professor Xavier rolled over to me. "That's just great, Bennet!" He sounded annoyed. "You realize I have the underwhelming honor of being the doctor on this sentient ship, and you've just caused me hours of paper work!"

I wasn't sure what he was complaining about. Paper work is the best kind of work. "Relax. We'll get someone to clean up this mess," I said glancing down at the blood puddles and leaking body.

"That was the busboy, you oaf. He is now the mess he would be cleaning had you not killed him."

"Sorry, I was just doing the challenge," I replied. "I'm Gavin MacLeod of the clan MacLeod."

He rolled off shaking his head.

I wasn't sure what the fuss was about, but I noticed there was a bar on this vessel. I made my way over to it and ordered up a drink. Suddenly, the bar began whispering to me. "You didn't read the challenge, did you?"

"What? Who said that?"

"Down here."

I looked behind the bar to find West slouched over his laptop. "West," I said.

"Shhh!! He'll hear you."

I looked around and didn't see anybody. Not that I was surprised. This boy has always been a bit of a conspiracy nut. "Well, as a matter of fact," I whispered back to him, "I merely skimmed it. I'm Gavin MacLeod of clan MacLeod. That's all I need to know."

"You're thinking of Connor MacLeod. You're the captain of this ship, not the Highlander."

The news was like a Sith kid finding out the truth about Darth Claus. "You mean...I'm not supposed to chop people's heads off as I make my way toward The Gathering?" I was very disappointed. This had seemed to be the most fun challenge yet.

"No," he said. "You have to entertain the celebs, and since you're captain," he talked as he typed away on his laptop, "I guess you gotta watch out for space icebergs or something....Hillary Clinton!"

Being a Nixon-era Republican, that was my cue to leave. I re-read the challenge and made my way to the ship's bridge, after applying my "No Fat Chicks" bumper sticker to the outer hull.

As a born leader, I found the piloting of this ship to be one of the easiest tasks I've done on this competition. Plus, since it's alive, it pretty much drives itself. I still barked out orders to project an image of authority.

Just as I was getting into the groove of commanding the Leviathan, an old man ventured into the bridge and interrupted my superb captaining. "Oh, excuse me, ma'am," he said as he bumped into me. "I'm just on my way to the restroom." He felt around as he made his way over to a Diagnostic Repair Drone and began unzipping his pants.

My hand moved to my katana, but the Professor's words came back to me. I'm the doctor, blah, blah, blah. I didn't want to give him any more patients to justify his six-figure salary. So, I grabbed the old man by the shoulder and said, "Careful there, King Tut. That's a DRD. There's an astromech droid right around the corner." I gave him a push in the right direction, "I think you'll find he's better suited for such warranty-voiding activities."

A few moments later, the old man returned. "Thank you, young man." He extended a hand, which I declined to shake. He apparently didn't notice that, so I grabbed a nearby coffee mug and let him shake that instead. "The name's Magoo, Quincy Magoo. I came on this ship in search of love, but all I've found is really bad diarrhea. Who prepares the food on this ship, a rodent?"

I felt bad for the old man. "Sorry, gramps. I got a ship to run. Beat it." I let him find his own way out. It took a couple hours, but a few falls and a couple of bruises later, he was out of my hair.

"It's just easy sailing now," I commented as I laid back in my captain's chair. I hit the intercom button. "Bring me a cosmopolitan!" I heard snickers, followed by yes sir.

As my cosmo arrived, the ship began to shake. My drink was dropped, but as I reached for my katana to fire the waiter with, I was knocked down by the turbulence.

Sirens sounded and people were screaming. I pulled myself up and spoke into the intercom, "Don't worry paying customers, we have an onboard physician available to take care of your injuries. As for the staff, refer to your HMO."

The Professor replied via the intercom, "Bennet, you do realize I'm a teacher. My doctorate is in philosophy. I'm hardly qualified to-" He cut out. There was a large zapping noise and the ship surged with electricity.

"Hmm..." I thought aloud. "That's no space iceberg."

I ran to the nearest porthole and glanced out. It was worse than I feared.

"Hey! I said no fat chicks!" I yelled out at the bolt-casting abomination.

"I'm big boned," the creature replied and continued blasting away at my lovely love boat.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked in desperation, hoping to buy some time for some retaliatory plotting.

"Because a little mermaid stole the man I wanted to have love me!" She accentuated her answer with a broadside tentacle slap.

"Wait...all you want is love? This happens to be a love boat!"

"I know! That's why I'm destroying it. No man could ever love an overweight half-octopus woman. And if I can't have love, nobody will! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA!"

"Ha!" a voice on the intercom laughed. "Great job as captain." It was the Professor. "You steered us right into the fury of a woman scorned."

"Shut up, you old fool!" I snapped back. Old fool... Of course! I called out to the cellulite monster, "I can find you love!"

She stopped pounding the ship with her tentacles for a moment and replied, "You can?"

"Of course, it's the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Boat."

"Exciting and new?"

"Always. Just come on inside," I said.

She nodded and began to shrink down to a socially-respectable, though still overweight, size. She pushed her tentacles through the entrance.

"Wait right here," I said. "I'll be right back with the love of your life."

I found Mr. Magoo talking to an ice sculpture. "Excuse me, Quincy. Can I have a word with you?"

"Certainly, boy. This conversation was beginning to cool anyway."

I grabbed the myopic man by his arm and led him back to the bridge. "You know how you were talking about wanting to find love, well I found you someone. She's a real looker too, take my word for it."

I opened the bridge door and said, "Ursula the Sea Witch, meet Mr. Quincy Magoo."

"He's kind of old," she said disappointed.

"What? Who said that?" Magoo responded with his fists up in the air.

"She said she loves your fabulous hairdo," I said quickly.

Magoo asked, "What hairdo?"

I ignored him and added, "Mr. Quincy Magoo here is very wealthy and finds you irresistible. Isn't that right, Quincy?"

He squinted in her general direction, and finally said, "Hubba hubba," which is old-speak for "Nice bod."

She scooped him toward her with a tentacle. I thought he was going to have a heart attack, but he just smiled and said, "I like your pet octopus. Does it have a name?"

"Just call it Octopussy," she replied and the couple left the bridge and headed for Magoo's bedroom.

Nepharia called me on the intercom, "Hey, I'm glad you got the racket to calm down and all, but you do realize we're still running a cruise here and this ship seems to be out of commission. Don't think I'm going to let your lack of performance cast me in a bad light!"

"Relax, get the Professor to fix the ship."

"I'm not a mechanic!" He shot back over the intercom.

"Well, good. Because this ship isn't mechanical."


Nepharia said...

Nice touch on the busboy. Tends to upset the guests tho...hmmmm, why didn't *I* think of that.

Kon-El said...

My eyes my eyes!

Ciera said...

Hey Mr Grammar - you have a typo in your second paragraph.

Mr. Bennet said...

Mr. Magoo actually typed it up for me. I dictated.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Mr. Maggoo and Ursula, what a great pair!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Magoo was a good addition!

Professor Xavier said...

This is just ridiculous! I'm not a mechanic or a doctor. I happen to a very well-educated scientist slash educator.

I mean, really!

Henchman432 said...

You went old skool.

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