As Consuela's fingers gently rubbed lotion into my red, swollen buttocks, I thought about the challenge Jon had laid before us. Build a better space mouse trap. A space mouse trap? I have had contact with alien races and their advance technology, of course. I was a kept man of the Empress of the Shi-Ar for a bit. There was actually a surprising amount of free time with that position. I spent much of it looking through their computer databases. That's where I had found this -
- a localized black hole generator. Perfect for rodent removal.
I hurriedly dressed and placed a pillow on my chair. Nepharia's version of Master and Apprentice had been a little rougher on my posterior than I anticipated. Our team was gathered in the conference room. All except Erifia, that is. Apparently she would be on her own this week.
After letting the others make their suggestions and giving them token consideration, I sent Nepharia and Kon-El out on their assignments to acquire need materials for the generator. I spent the rest of my day taking control of the minds of the retired gladiators and having them gut the old folks home of all copper, iron and other elements I would need.
I was a little concerned about one of the retirees. When I tried to take over the mind of Bonegrinder, I couldn't detect much trace of a consciousness. I was able to scan his memory, though. Apparently Mr. Bennet had passed by earlier and experienced a serious bout of flatulence right next to the hapless Bonegrinder. The noxious gas left the poor former gladiator semi-comatose. I was able to restore his mind and then take it over.
Within a few hours, the structure of the black hole generator was complete. Just in time for the Phantom Zone projector Ko-El had obtained and the anti-matter Nepharia acquired to be added. Soon the device was ready.
"Alright Kon, you have the picture?" I asked.
With a wicked grin he flashed me the photo of Granny Goodness in a bikini. I won't ask where he obtained such a horrible image. Forcing back the bile rising in my throat, I nodded in satisfaction.
"As soon as I throw the switch, the localized black hole will form here in cafeteria. You drive the mice here with the photo. They should all be running in terror. Once they near the gravity well, they'll be finished."
"What should I do?" Nepharia asked.
"My shoulders are killing me," I told her with a smile. "They could really use a massage."
She flashed me a look filled with rage and I thought for a moment she was about to cut me down with her lightsaber. After a minute, she laughed and placed her hands on my shoulders. As she started kneading my muscles, I flipped the switch.
The machine started humming loudly. A small swirling pinhole of dark energy formed in the center of the room. A terrible wind started whipping around the cafeteria. The hole grew larger. The roaring wind was so powerful that all the tables and chairs were lifted up into the air and spun wildly around the room, drawing closer and closer to the miniature black hole until they were sucked in.
The crazy, all consuming wind storm grew so rapidly in force that the walls started to buckle. Pieces of floor and ceiling ripped loose, all drawn into the irresistible force of the hole. Nepharia was able to use her Jedi powers to create a bubble around us, protecting us from the tempest.
The doors flew from their hinges into the hole. A flood of mangy, giant sized rats came streaming through the gaping entrance. A laughing Kon-El hovered above them, resisting the fury with his Kryptonian might.
As soon as the last rat was gone, I flipped the switch to turn off the hole. Nothing happened. The walls crumbled and the ceiling collapsed, all being sucked into the hole. And then as quickly as that, the hole vanished. Hurtling loose debris crashed to the shattered ground.
My teammates and I gathered next to the device.
I looked at them and said, "In the immortal words of our esteemed president, mission accomplished."