Friday, June 20, 2008

Sylar's Lucasfilm Photoshoot

A photoshoot! OMG, what an opportunity for me to show off my sexiness! I put on my best dress and went out to meet Jay.

"Nice boobies," I complimented him.

He looked me up and down. "You too."

"Thanks. I generated the cleavage myself (through special powers, hehe). So, where are we going?"

"We? No, no, no. I am much too busy to photograph you myself. Yes, much too busy. But do not worry, my sexy vixen, for I have assigned my best photographer to you for the day."

I clapped my hands, excited that I had such an honor. Jay called for my photographer, and out stepped...this big-eared guy!

"Hello!" he said, shaking my hands, "I am George Lucas, the visionary," he said modestly.

After meeting him and his assistant (more on him later), we set off to the scene of our photoshoot. I asked him where we would be going. Would it be Fire Archipeligo R? Or Artic River X?

"No," he responded, "there is an exotic location not far from here. Some debris that the Republic had blasted out into space that landed on this planet. Very interesting scenery indeed."

"The Republic?"

"Oh, did I say Republic? I meant Republicans."

It was then that we arrived at the site of the Republican space-trash: a big green wall with an old man in front of it.

"Um, is this a porn? Am I supposed to like, have my way with grandpa?" I asked. "If so, I don't do wrinkly peeps."

"What? No. What's he doing here? He must have lost his bearings. Shoo, old man, shoo!" The old man slowly shuffled away, mumbling something about mothballs.

I looked up and down at the wall. It didn't look so exciting. I wanted to wear a lava-fur coat at Artic Center Q, or a frost-covered bikini at Fire Peninsula H! "What gives?" I asked the floppy-eared man, with my hand on my hip. "Where's my exotic location?!"

"This is it! Don't you see? With this green screen, I can computer generate you into any location! All with the click of a mouse! Why go to real locations when you can create fake ones that look super cool!" he said, laughing maniacally.

I pouted, but had to complete my challenge! So, I got on my sexiest outfits out and went to work. Dumbo started snapping pictures.

"Yes! You're in front of a futuristic city! You're the queen of the planet! You didn't get this position by earning it. You got it from being sexy!" I posed in a sexy, queenish manner.

"Great!" the man said, after he had finished. Now, let's upload these to my computer, a click here and there, and voila! Instant exotic location."

"Um, why am I like, floating in the middle of a city?"

"Because you can be! You see, without CGI, such scenery wouldn't be possible, but now, with the magic of computers, it is!"

I was scared. Floppy Ears had gone mad. I couldn't murder him though, because, judging from his insane ideas, his brain was like, totally rotten, and would give me heartburn. Besides, I guess I had a challenge to complete. So, I continued on.

"Now, you're rugged, you're a jungle man from the '50s! You're swinging from vines with monkeys! You're trying to chase a convoy of Communists who are fighting with a man you just found out to be your father! Isn't that ridiculous? But it can all be accomplished here, using a green screen!"

Dumbo set to work at his computer again, and soon, showed me my next photo.

"Why is this like, all blurry? It looks like it came from a screenshot from a streaming low quality movie on the internet!" I exclaimed.

"No, no, silly, you're in motion! That's motion blur!"

"But I was just standing there with a rope in my hand."

"Yes, but with the magic of CGI, I could add blur to make it look like you were moving!"

I couldn't take much more of this, but the crazy photographer worked on.

"Ok, ok, now, I'll need my assistant. Jar Jar! Get out onto the set with this sexy (wo)man!"

"What? Misa me? Yous want misa Jar Jar in the picture with the girly girl?" the freakish thing asked. It walked forward and tripped over Dumbo's camera, film spilling all over the place. "Misa so sorry," it said, with a grin on its stupid face.

It stood next to me in front of the wall, and we got into costume. Dumbo handed us some things he called light sabers, but they really looked more like those thingies that people on airplane runways use to direct planes.

"Now, this is the climatic battle scene! It is full of excitement, action, and drama! Fight!"

And fight we did! The lil creature cowered as I swung my plastic toy at him! He blocked, and our toys clashed! Dumbo snapped the picture that he would later show me.

"Yay! Misa blocked fat ugly tranny!" the creature said to itself, dropping its plastic toy and dancing around. Now, this was the last straw. Now calling me a tranny, sure, that's pretty much completely darn correct. And fat, well, ok, I don't like that, but I do eat a lot of brains, that'll make your belt size go up once in a while. But ugly? That is something that this sexy serial killer never is.

Using my telekinetic super mind trick, I threw Jar Jar into the air over my head. With my power of nuclear energy flowing through me, I channeled it to my plastic toy, making it totally like, a nuclear toy. I slashed Jar Jar as he flew over me, and he fell into the lava. I turned to walk away, figuring the lava would finish him off.

"NOOooOOooOOcoOO!" it shrieked. "Misa will come back as Darth Binks to get my revenge!"

"Hey, you're right! We can't have that!" I force threw my nuclear toy through its skull. That was like, totally awesome!

I turned to look at Dumbo. He was sobbing. "My creation!" he wailed.

"Your creation?"

"Yes! Don't you see? Only through the magic of CGI could I create such a charming, humorous, cute creature!"

"Um, I think you may be the one who has lost his bearings," I loled.

"Yes, I have!" And with that, George Lucas starting flapping his arms like a chicken while cackling maniacally. He galloped like a pony off into the distance.

Wait a minute, I thought, did I just write a post where I was the straight man?

I shrugged to myself. Challenge completed. I guess.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

You killed Jar Jar!

And the was much rejoycing.

Mr. Bennet said...

George Lucas could never lose his bearings. He's a genius! Genius!

Nepharia said...

I'm sorry, but the picture of you floating in the city, actually looks like you are sitting on that building. And it looks terribly uncomfortable. Ew. DID kill Jar Jar, which I suppose makes it all worth it. :D

Ciera said...

I have to agree with Neph about that City shot.

SinlessTouch said...

hahaha... you looked fabulous in your sleek adult costume. The important thing here is you killed Jar Jar! Rejoice all of you!