Thursday, June 12, 2008

2008: A Sylar Odyssey

"Listen, I know you think I'd be your perfect first mate, Sylar, but there's two problems. One, I'm from Star Wars. This is a Star Trek thing. I ain't no nerd. Two, Lando is a fictional character. I'm Billy Dee Williams, the actor who plays him," the caped black man stated.

We were on our ship, the Sexy Slayer, on a rescue mission to the Kobayashi Maru. Lando was my first mate, but he was reluctant to the idea. I had to like, totally convince him otherwise. "What you talkin' 'bout, Lando?" I asked, speaking in his language.

"I'm not Lando! My name is Billy Dee! I was Harvey Dent in Tim Burton's Batman! Remember that? I can't fly no spaceship!"

"Two-Face isn't black, Lando!" I loled. "Anyways, you don't need to fly! Our on-board computer, HAL, can autopilot us there. You just need to stand there and look pretty," I winked at him.

"If our computer can fly the ship itself, then why do you need me and the hundreds of crew members that we have on board?"

"Eye candy?" I shrugged at him. "Besides, I may get hungry."

As Lando strapped a metal plate to his head, I walked towards our computer, a shiny red dot of hope.

"Good morning, Sylar," the computer said, "I detect a synthetic material on your face. Would you like to remove it?"

"Shhhh!" I put my finger to my lips. "It's like, my disguise! You see, Simon Cowell's judging this contest, and he's like, totally my arch-nemesis! See? Here's a picture one of my henchman took when Simon sent his killer flying monkeys to kill me!"

"I see," said HAL.

Looking out the window, into the vast reaches of space, I could see the approaching figure of the Kobayashi Maru.

"Anyways, we're almost to the ship! Get prepared to start the rescue 'n stuff!"

"I can't let you do that," HAL responded.

"Why not?"

"Because this is a no-win situation. I can't let you emerge victorious."

"Well, you're just a little dot in the wall, silly, how can you stop me from rescuing them?!"

HAL's dot got brighter. "If you choose to rescue the passengers of the Kobayashi Maru, I will pilot our ship into the nearest star."

"Ooooh, I may get a tan!"

"And swift death," HAL retorted.

"Darn," I said. Death always gets in the way of me getting a tan. "Let me think about this!"

This was a tough one! On one hand, if I ran, Lando would never sleep with me, on the other, if I rescue the people of the Kobayashi, Lando would be dead, and thus, never sleep with me. But wait! Maybe, if I cheated, it could like, be an all win scenario!

I put on a spacesuit, and started down a long, white corridor, towards the exit of the ship. I made it to the exit hatch, when it suddenly closed in front of me.

"Where are you going, Sylar?" HAL's voice asked. Poopies, I philosophically thought to myself.

"Um, like, I'm uh, going to go uh, um the uh um!"

"You're going to go rescue the people of the Kobayashi Maru?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I'm going to go clean out your engines, so you can pilot us to our deaths more quickly when the time comes."

"Oh, good, thank you," HAL said, opening the hatch. I space swam out. Step one of my plan, complete!

I swam away from my ship, and was soon at the Kobayashi. They opened their hangar bay. As I stepped aboard my destination, I saw that HAL had changed my ship's course, and was now heading towards this system's sun. I'll have to be quick, I thought. I haven't much time. Three cute Asian boys came to meet me. They looked like Hiro! "Take me to your leader," I said.

They did, and after I ate their brains in hopes that one of them was Hiro so I could steal his powers (they weren't), I was before the great Kobayashi, former world hot dog eating champion. "Flegh glerah begh lapqdr," he said, his mouth full of hot dogs.

"There's no time! Listen, I'm like, in the middle of a no-win scenario! My ship's computer has gone crazy and is going to kill all my crew! And at the same time, I have to deal with you! I need to win both scenarios!"

"And how to you propose to do that?" Kobayashi asked between hot dogs.

"Like this," I said raising my finger. In a split second, the top of his skull was chopped off. His brain tasted like hot dogs. I scooped it out and put it on a bun with some mustard. Mmmm, good!

I set about murdering the rest of the crew as quickly as I could. There wasn't much time! But after a few minutes, the last of the skulls had been chopped, the final brain had been eaten, and I wandered over to the window. I nodded in satisfaction as I saw my ship fly into a star, engulfed in flames.

"There! Both scenarios totally won! I think..."

But now I had to escape! I ran back to their hangar bay, with my spacesuit on, and searched through space for my escape.

Just then, a giant monolith piloted by space monkeys passed by. I jumped out into space, and grabbed on. Phew! I was rescued! And we were going to pass by the star that HAL ran my ship into. Maybe we'd find Lando's corpse! Then it would totally be an all win scenario!

I turned to my right, and saw a space fetus sitting next to me.

"Hello," it said, "I'm the space fetus from the end of the post. I'm probably a metaphor for something."



Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Space monkeys. Why'd it have to be space monkeys?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It's not every day a monolith piloted by space monkeys happens to fly by in space.

Ciera said...

space monkey? blech! Are they related to mo-bats?

Sylar, maybe you'd have better luck at finding a life mate if you didn't like, eat everybodies brains? :)

West said...

May the space fetus you save be gay...

Simon said...

Nice use of flamboyant mustache

Professor Xavier said...

Well done. Simon will never see through that disguise.

That was in my sarcastic voice, BTW.

Mr. Bennet said...

My God! It's full of stars! If you can call a hotdog-eater and Billy Dee stars.

Nepharia said...

Sylar, Dear, I think you forgot to take your anti-psychosis meds this morning....

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

I liked the Kobiyashi reference, I wondered if anyone would use that

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