Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wow? Me? Really? Thanks.

I won? I have to admit, I'm surprised. Well, not really, but my sponsor wanted me to feign surprise. I told 'em, "I'm not a feigner."

Of course I won. I'm Mr. Bennet. I single-handedly ran a secret organization and non-secret paper company all from my menial position of middle management. The other contestants didn't stand a chance against my experience bagging and tagging, not to mention my marskmanship skills. At least Jon leveled the playing field by not allowing me to shoot the fellow contestants. Although, it would have saved us weeks of top quality Internet entertainment.

Anyway, I realize it's been a long, long while since I was actually declared the winner, but I decided I should give a short acceptance and thank you speech. Or rather it was decided for me by my sponsor, Total Synapse, Inc., a division of the late Primatech Paper Company (Which has applied for a government bailout; I'll keep you posted on that).

So, yeah, here I am. I'd like to thank, first and foremost, God, who really had nothing to do with me winning this competition. I mean, if anything, he got in the way by giving my competition so-called "extraordinary" powers. I'm just a mere mortal here. Yet, I still won. Thanks a lot, God.

And then there's my mom, who I know if she were alive today she would still not find a reason to take pride in my accomplisments. "Gladiator? You know, the Johnson's kid was a Marine," I can hear her saying.

Jon, I have to thank him, even though I really don't want to. It turns out, he's actually a good guy. I'm not a fan of good guys. They get in the way of what needs doing. But as far as good guys go, he's a pretty good one. So, thanks Jon.

Thanks to all of you who lost: West, Kon-El, Profesor X, Erifia, Nepharia, Ciera, Hotstuff, Koma, Gyrobo, Merlyn and Sylar. It was really your not winning that won this for me. I couldn't have done it without you.

And to all the judges, I thank whoever gave you the wisdom to choose me for immunity when you did. When you picked one of the other guys, well, shame on you.

Okay, the music is playing, so I just need to get this quick word in, as per my contract, Total Synapse....medical IT services and online marketing. It's a great company, ladies and gentlemen. Send them your money. Thank you, Total Synapse, for all that you've done.

And thank you, the little people, and normal-sized viewers, who watched us do some rather silly stuff over all these weeks.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Last Gladiator Standing III, the Last Gladiator Standing is...

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered and only two remain. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

This is it folks, the grand finale. We have ourselves a winner.

And we’ll let you know who it is right after these messages.

Last Gladiator Standing III was brought to you in part by Budweiser and Clamato.

This is really a product out there everyone.

I mean can you believe it? Who wants beer mixed with tomato and clam juice? Boy, I sure would like some beers but I usually don’t vomit unless I have a couple cases. Maybe if I just mix a little clam and tomato juice in it…

You know, speed things up a little bit.

OK, tomato juice I can understand, maybe. Tomato juice is used in bloody Marys so there’s a precedent there. Plus it’s healthy (you know, unless you’re in the middle of a salmonella outbreak), so maybe you’re thinking you’re getting some vitamins with your booze. That’s good right?

But clam juice? Who decided that clam juice was a tasty beverage? You don’t know what you’re getting in that clam juice either. Is it all clam or did some other bottom feeder get into the mix? Was it cooked? Who knows, it sounds like a crap shoot to me.

Emphasis on crap, am I right, folks?

But seriously.

Now that people are drinking clamato juice, you know because its two great tastes that taste great together, crabapple just takes on a whole new meaning. I wonder what other great flavors are out there just waiting to be discovered. Shellentil juice sounds good. Anyone want some sharkpea? How about floundercorn juice?

Budweiser and Clamato. Mmm mmm good.

OK, we’re back folks. Let’s declare our winner. Our two contestants were Mr. Bennet and Sylar, two strong contestants who fought to the top of the proverbial mountain, each one willing to do what it takes to be the king of that mountain. Or queen, as it were. Yeah, I used that joke again, I went there.

Let’s take a look at the contestants shall we? Here’s the brain eating power getter himself, Sylar:

"Ah-ha!" I said as I jumped out of the shadows, revealing myself in a cat-like pose.

"Sylar!" all three of them exclaimed.

"Activate, cleavage generation powers!" I yelled frustratingly as I pounded on my boobless chest. I looked up and saw that the three of them were staring at me, so I stammered out, "I'll be taking all of your scavenger hunt items now!"

I sat with my new friend, the gladiator, Thunder Thighs, and painted my toe nails with her.

"Omigod, that shade of pink looks like, soooo good on you!" I said to Thunder Thighs.

"Thanks, Sylar. I hope it impresses Jon."

"Jon the Introglockenspeil?"

"Yes, I've got a thing for him. I want to wrap my thunderous thighs around him. He's one sexy gladiator."

And so, my plan, like totally worked! Hancock started beating up the armies, and would keep them at bay until the other contestants came around to complete the challenge themselves! I didn't have to worry about him murdering them all since he's only PG-13! Challenge complete!

Er, wait a minute....

I got into uniform, and damn did my 13 year old body look sexy. Proceeding on, I moved to the gym, where I was greeted by the coach.

"Um, you know, there are male cheerleading uniforms, too, right?" she asked.

"Oh, I know. But those don't do justice to my sexiness."

In the stands sat the hot boy from my class. He looked down at me and laughed. "Hey everyone, look! It's Gabriel Gay!" Everyone laughed at his like, totally awesome insult!

I fired back a comeback. "Oh yeah, well, you're like, totally hot!"

There's a box unchecked! That means I didn't do something! Right? I'm not sure. Well, I should probably do it anyways.

"Hey, any of you guys have a cute robot?" I asked the peeps getting beat up.

"I am a cute robot," a female Telmarine mercenary said, stepping forward. "I am a Terminator. A cyborg with a learning computer, a neural net processor."

"Good enough for me," I said with a shrug, and then blewed her up.

List complete! Now, to go grocery shopping...

That was Sylar everyone, give him (er, her?) a hand. We’ll be right back after this short break.
Last Gladiator Standing III was brought to you in part by the Boba Femmes.

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You know, you wouldn’t think that someone without any powers would last so long competing here, yet that’s what Bennet did. Unless you consider the ability to tell long, endless stories about the Kraft process a power. Here’s Bennet:

"Sorry," I smiled and waved in an attempt to life their spirits. Then there spirits were indeed raised. I turned to see Prince standing behind me with his magical guitar.

"Prince!" I exclaimed.

"Someone asked for a miracle," he replied, then did a quick dance step and smashed his symboled guitar into the thick glass chamber. It broke into thousands of pieces and Flash and the gang escaped. We ran out of Ming's palace to safety.

There I was met by all the former contestants. They were all enthusiastic to see Flash Gordon and Queen alive and well.

Bone Grinder made his way up to the podium.

Oh, brother...

"Thank you," he began. "I don't fight freedom because it's easy. I fight freedom because my dad left when I was seven. I never drank any of that Sprite crap, though. I'm a 7-Up guy, always been one. Sometimes I drink water, but that's just because it's easily accessible. I had to build my own well once. It was during the drought of ought three. Vultures were disintegrating in mid-air from the heat. I got myself a stick and started digging. I almost made it to China, which is pretty good considering I wasn't on Earth at the time. But there was no reason I couldn't hold hands with the woman I loved. The church frowned on it, but that's their problem. I say, if you spend a buck seventy on a couple of burgers and the drive in, you're entitled to some hand action...."

A couple of days later, he finished and the challenge finally came to an end.

I clicked to the next slide.

"By simply replacing the word glasses with gladiator, I become the Horn-Rimmed Gladiator. It's perfect, and has rather satanic connotations, a must for capturing that elusive caveman demographic."

I continued on with my presentation...

"With the signature glasses comes the possibility for endless merchandising. Everything not yet wearing horn-rimmed glasses can be produced by us with the vision-augmenting, and stylish, spectacles, then sold with an enormously high markup to the general masses."

"How high of a markup?" the VP asked.

"Umm...upwards of seventeen hundred percent," I answered quickly doing no math in my head.

J'onn seemed impressed. I continued on to the next slide.

"Horn-rim your little gladiator."

"Horn-Rimmed Gelatin."

"Yes, yes. That is a good plan. But I feel we need some more products. Man cannot live by bread alone, ya know. Say...could we put some of those glasses on bread?"

I clicked on to the next slide.

"I am Gavin MacLeod of the clan MacLeod," I said withdrawing my katana. "There can be only one!" With one quick swipe, followed by a few hacks and a dice, I decapitated the acne-ridden busboy.

Sylar giggled as he chased after the rolling head.

Professor Xavier rolled over to me. "That's just great, Bennet!" He sounded annoyed. "You realize I have the underwhelming honor of being the doctor on this sentient ship, and you've just caused me hours of paper work!"

Mr. Bennet, everybody.

We’ll be right back to announce the winner right after these important messages.

Viking Ted – Freelance Space Mechanic coming this fall on the Intergalactic Gladiator Network!

Welcome back everybody to the Last Gladiator Standing III grand finale. I know everyone is excited to see who the winner is, but let’s take a moment to look behind the scenes of this year’s competition. Here’s the main control room where hundreds of technicians work endless hours (Thanks to indentured servitude, ha ha!) to deliver the exciting competition to you. Wave hello, fellas!

That’s great. We’d also like to take this opportunity to thank this year’s group of judges. Give a great big hand to:

Commander Oneida!

The Henchman!

Simon! Booo! Ha ha, just kidding Simon!

Blockade Boy!

And (uh… I guess) Captain Koma!

Thanks everyone, you’re the best. You’re all the best!

And now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for.

The winner of Last Gladiator Standing III and a personally signed copy of Stories of the Unexpected is

None other than...

The person who you will see named below...

Who is...




Mr. Bennet!

Congratulations, Mr. Bennet, you are the Last Gladiator Standing.

Monday, August 4, 2008

One for Bennet...

One for Sylar...

Two for Bennet...

Two for Sylar...

Three for Sylar...

Four for Sylar...

Three for Bennet...


Oh carp, I dropped the jelly beans.

I have to do a recount.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered and only two remain. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

This is it, ladies and gentlemen. The final vote. Who will win, who will be Last Gladiator Standing?

All contestants and judges send me your final vote. The winner will be announced Monday night.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Final Mission: Princes of the Universe

Well, here I was on the space shuttle about to take off to do that stupid challenge that stupid Sylar drew from the stupid hat. I would much rather be on a fun scavenger hunt, but it seems I have to be rescuing Queen from some emperor guy. I don't see the point with Freddie Mercury gone. I doubt Flash Gordon has the same homo-erotic appeal.

"Just wait 'til you see him swing a sword," Captain Koma said.

"What are you doing here? Come to sabotage my efforts?"

He replied, "You don't need any help in that department. I just wanted to make sure there would be no more thong thievery going on. Times are tough in Australia; I've got a limited supply. Last Gladiator Standing was my ticket to thong heaven, but somebody ruined that dream."

"Oh, yeah...must suck. See you later." I was hoping he would simply exit the shuttle and leave the awkward moment behind us. Instead, he followed me all the way to Planet Mongo, something about a rendevouz with a Hawkman.

As I departed the shuttle planetside, I waved farewell to Koma. He ignored me as he embraced a bulky winged fellow with a large battle mace.

"Get your star maps! Star maps, right here!" A familiar voice called out, enticing me to buy his product.

"Professor, why are you here?"

"Oh, trying to save up for a new appendix. Care to buy a Planet Mongo star map?"

I made the transaction with him and had a full color detailed map of the entire planet. "Thanks, Charles. About your appendix, though. You realize they aren't necessary, right?"

"What do you mean not necessary?"

"They don't have a function. Having it removed doesn't put you in any physical harm."

"Oh,, yeah I knew that," he replied sheepishly.

I picked up on his lie and said, "Wait a minute! You didn't know about the appendix. That're not a real doctor!"

"It's just a Ph.D." he shouted. "Why must everyone assume that requires a knowledge of human anatomy. I know where the important parts are."

"Yeah, only because you've lost control over them."

He rolled off angrily mumbling about a paraplegic's right to choose.

I consulted my newly acquired map and headed for Mingo City. Surely that would be where I would find this Emperor Ming lunatic.

"My name isn't Shirley," the crazy-eyebrowed emperor said as I entered his throne room.

"Well, in that case," I replied, "my name isn't Noah." I quickly reached for my pistol, but West flew in and kicked it out my hand.

"West?" I asked confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Mr. B!" He waved at me dorkishly. "I'm training to be a Hawkman!"

"Well,for now, can you leave me alone? I'm trying to save Queen and Flash Gordon from this merciless Ming man."

"Oh, sorry about that." West picked my gun off the floor and tossed it at me. He turned and flew back out the window.

"Ah, ha!" I said with my gun pulled on Ming.

He quickly grabbed Merlyn Gabriel out from behind his throne and held her in front of him with a death ray to her head. "Not so fast, Mr. Bennet. Put down your gun or Merlyn gets it."


"This lady I'm holding the gun on."

"Well, I figured out that part. I just don't really know who she is. Got any more damsels in distress?"

He tossed Merlyn to the side who quickly got up and ran away. Then, he pulled Ciera out from his throne and put his death ray to her head.

"Oh, no! Not Ciera!" I exclaimed.

"Good!" Ming grinned. "The Jedi damsels were a bit more difficult to kidnap. Now, put down the gun."

"First show me Flash Gordon and Queen," I commanded.

"You're in no position to be making orders," Ming replied as Kon-El walked out with a tray of hors d'oeuvres.

I grabbed him quickly and put my gun on his neck. "Now, Ming, you show me the band or Wonder Boy here gets it."

Ming gasped. "Not my hunky servant!"

Kon was about to explain how he's impervious to bullets, but Ming already hit some controls on his wrist band. A nearby wall slid open to reveal Brian May, Roger Taylor and Flash Gordon.

"Now, Kon," I said, "I want you to get Ciera out of here." He flew off with her out a window.

I aimed my gun at Ming. He aimed his death ray at me.

"Well, looks like we've got ourselves a showdown," I commented.

"Indubitably," he replied.

"Green PopTarts are not necessarily healthy nor evil," Gyrobo said as he buzzed in and out of the room.

Ming fired his death ray gun as I fired my death non-ray gun.

My bullet struck him in his goatee, which fell limply to the floor. "No!" he gasped attempting to catch the falling hairs.

His death ray sent glowing circle rings around me. I felt a tingly sensation in my feet, and then it stopped.

"Darn this theoretical technology!" he said throwing his death ray gun to the side. He quickly scooped up his discarded facial hair and made a run for the door. On his way out, he hit a button, causing gas to enter into the room where the band was awaiting their rescue.

"Umm, guys," I said through the thick glass. "If you can hear me, I don't think there's any chance for your survival. I know it must not be what you want to hear, but barring some miracle, I just don't have a way to break through this glass."

Inside, the band members began gasping for breath. Eyes were bulging and death was nearing.

"Sorry," I smiled and waved in an attempt to lift their spirits. Then there spirits were indeed raised. I turned to see Prince standing behind me with his magical guitar.

"Prince!" I exclaimed.

"Someone asked for a miracle," he replied, then did a quick dance step and smashed his symboled guitar into the thick glass chamber. It broke into thousands of pieces and Flash and the gang escaped. We ran out of Ming's palace to safety.

There I was met by all the former contestants. They were all enthusiastic to see Flash Gordon and Queen alive and well.

Koma patted Flash on the back. "Hey there, Speed Gordon. How about a couple of drinks later, mate?"

Erifia and Nepharia both pushed Koma out of the way and fought over Flash's autograph.

"Sign my lekkus!" Erifia shouted.

"Sign these!" Nepharia exclaimed. I think she won.

Hotstuff approached with a guitar in hand. "So are we going to stand around here all day or are we going to jam out?"

Flash started singing "We Are The Champions". Queen, Hotstuff and Prince joined in. The day ended with a glorious dance number as Professor Xavier sat in his wheelchair feeling of where his appendix used to be.

Friday, August 1, 2008

A Scavenging We Will Go

I put on my disguise, and entered the room where Professor X was waiting.

"Hi! I'm like, Nurse Sylar...ine, and I need to cut your appendix out!"

"Hellooooo nurse," Professor X responded. "Sylarine, did you say your name was?" He began sensually rubbing his metal chair against my thigh. "Anything for you."

"Really? I mean, good! Let's get started then."

"Yes, yes, right away. Have you done this before?" he asked.

"Don't worry," I said reassuringly, "I'm a brain surgeon!"

"You are?"

"In a way," I said with a wink.

"Are you coming onto me?" The Professor winked back.

"Of course! I come onto anything that moves!"

The Professor sat there in silence. He certainly wasn't moving much.

"You are certainly very insensitive to the handicapable. You remind me of a certain rude cross-dressing serial killer that I know." It was then that a look of terror came on his face. "Wait a minute...Sylarine...Sylar-ine...Sylar!"

"Hehe, yup!" I cackled. Using my power of telekinesis, I tore open his flesh, and reached my hand inside of him. He didn't scream in pain, which made me sad. Damn paraplegia! I pulled out his appendix, and turned to walk away.

"Sylar!" Xavier shouted in disbelief. "How couldn't I read your mind!"

"My wig is totally like, telepathy proof!" I said with a giggle, and then scampered away

Well, that was fun, but now it was time to put my plan into action! I hid around the corner from Xavier's room, and waited for my competition. It wasn't long before Jafar arrived. He walked into Xavier's room, stuck his hand in my premade hole, and shouted, "Fiddlesticks!" when he found nothing there.

"Now there's a surprise. I think I am gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise," his parrot put in, "Did ya even get in there deep enough? Here, let me try." The parrot jumped into the appendix-less hole, and began digging around. Jafar stood outside, watching intently.

"Ahem," someone cleared their throat. It was Professor X. The parrot poked its head out.

"He left you alive?" it said. "Who is he, Ghandi? Well, anyways, there's nothin' in here. Let's go, Jafar."

They went outside and hopped on their magic carpet. On it was a bag full of stuff. It looked like they had most of the items already!

As the carpet lifted into the air and flew away, I followed on the ground. After a few thousand miles, they landed. I was a bit behind them, I ran to catch up.

As I approached, I saw Nepharia. Jafar was on the ground on all fours in front of her.

"Now, moo like a cow," she told Jafar.

He listened, and responded, "Mooooooo!"

Nodding in approval, she continued, "Good. Now, make love to your parrot."

"Oh come on now!" he complained.

"Sure, like that's the worst thing you've ever done," the parrot put in sarcastically.

"Oh, fine, fine," Nepharia said, "I guess you can borrow my shoes. But I want them back!"

She handed Jafar her shoes. He spoke to his parrot. "Well, that's everything but the appendix."

Oh great, I had to follow them to one more person to get that appendix. But I didn't wanna! I wonder who could have it? Oh wait, I do! So I think that means, between Jafar and I, we had all the items! Right? If they had all but the appendix, and I had the appendix, that should be all of them, shouldn't it? I wasn't sure, but I moved forward anyways.

"Ah-ha!" I said as I jumped out of the shadows, revealing myself in a cat-like pose.

"Sylar!" all three of them exclaimed.

"Activate, cleavage generation powers!" I yelled frustratingly as I pounded on my boobless chest. I looked up and saw that the three of them were staring at me, so I stammered out, "I'll be taking all of your scavenger hunt items now!"

"Sylar, are you going to kill them?" asked Nepharia, with a smile spreading across her face. "And if so, can I help?"

"Like, no, I'm not going to kill them, I'm going to do something much worse," I responded as I smiled evilly at Jafar as I took his hand and pulled him towards the magic carpet...

The wind swept through our hair as we soared through the sky, Jafar and I, on our romantic magic carpet ride.

"I can show you the world," I sang soulfully to Jafar, "Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?"

Jafar had a look of terror on his face. "No, stop, no!"

"A whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming," I continued singing.

"NOOooOOocoOOooOOOoOO!" shrieked Jafar. "Stop, stop! I'll give you the items! I'll give you the items!"

We landed the carpet, and Jafar handed over his bag of goodies. As he did, his parrot flew over to him and landed on his shoulder, addressing Jafar.

"Well of course you gave in. Who would have thought to have faith in you, Jafar? Can't stand a little singing? You don't seem to have any trouble with it when you're singing Journey in the shower! You're so pa..."

With my mind, I blew up the parrot. Feathers showered everywhere. Jafar came over and gave me a big hug. "Thank you," he said. He looked up to the heavens, and shouted, "I'm free! Free!" and then ran away in ecstasy, leaving me with the bag.

I opened the bag, and started pulling out the items that Jafar had gotten for the scavenger hunt.

West's Spy Binoculars

Gyrobo's Nuts. I'm glad Jafar found these! Last time I saw Gyrobo, all he had was these small hexagonal metal things with holes in them that you screw onto bolts.

Merlyn's Land Speeder

Hotstuff's "dragon friend," Coffee Maker

Kon El's Courage (the Cowardly Dog)

Nepharia's Stilettos (Tacky!)

Ciera's Third Grade English Teacher

Erifia's Lekku Band (She must wear this one in private. Kinky!)

Xavier's Appendix

Koma's Thong. I knew his thongs weren't just flip flops!

That was everything! I'd completed the challenge. I sat down and took a deep breath when suddenly I saw Captain Koma in front of me.

"Hey Sylar, I have a date with Chroma tonight, and I'm missing...something that I need for it. Haven't seen it have you?"

Uh, no, I'm only wearing it! I thought to myself. Koma looked angry and disgusted. Did I say that outloud?