Saturday, June 21, 2008
The Big, Green, Watery, Unblinking Eyes of Judgment
GAH! ...Sorry, I startled myself with that glare. My apologies. It's just that sometimes I'm so dang manly and intimidating, even I can't handle it. In fact, I may have made myself pee a little.
*dons schoolmarmish reading glasses, shuffles through pile of notes*
Time for individual evaluations!
Erifia: You had a real "Annie Hall" thing goin' on with the Stormtrooper outfit, so, y'know, "props for that" as the kids used to say. The lighting in your photos was mostly excellent. Pretty atmospheric. And you have quite a way with ribbons and other accessories. I salute your body tattoos: I've found that a well-placed tattoo can give you a handy "element of surprise" when you're sleeping with a new partner. Get 'em "off their game" and then it's "anything goes", mainly because they're too baffled to resist. So kudos.
Nepharia: I don't suppose I could nab a copy of those original photos? The hairy, beard-y ones? 'Cause they made you look HOT! Butcher than me, even! WOOF, Nepharia! WOOF! Also, I'd love to get your replacement photographer's jacket. Although I'd have to let it out. Or maybe I could just tie it around one of my furry biceps. Your David Beckham cameo swayed me not a whit, because he waxes, and also he has the sickly stank of Tom Cruise all over him. In the plus column, you were very sexy in a demure, "good girl" kind of way, and you apparently have violet eyes to die for.
Kon: Mud wrasslin'! Yay! Although I'm pretty sure you're under 18, so I feel a little creepy even mentioning it. Forget I said anything. All-in-all, you had some solid "action" shots, and I'm giving you a bonus point for uncovering the Secret of Smoke Island. (Haw!)
Ciera: What glamorous gowns! Also, the style of your post reminded me of the spoken-word portion of an R&B song. Or maybe the back of a romance novel.
Sylar: You're one saucy bitch! I like that. Your pictures weren't that hot, but it's no wonder with that lame-ass photographer of yours. Still, I applaud your moxie.
Mr. Bennet: You know what? You're pretty darned handsome with those glasses of yours! Without the glasses? Not so much. I mean, you're a good-looking guy, but it's a sort of common-place, generic "good-looking" until you add the glasses. Accessories are very important. Never forget that. In my case, without my beard? I look like that one Baldwin brother -- the really, really pudgy one, you know the one I mean. That's why I need the face fur. What I'm saying is, keep the glasses. Forget what that brat daughter of yours tells you.
Professor Xavier: Wait a minute...! You're faking paralysis? That's just plain wrong. But on the other hand, it takes balls of freaking steel. So I sort of respect you for having the crust to actually do it. Sadly, the range of your facial expressions seems to be rather limited, so I didn't enjoy your photos very much.
West: "My gusto would endear the audience to me." Heh. Who said that? Was it me? Because it seems like something I'd say. But nope, it was you, West, and I gotta say... your can-do attitude is winning my heart! (As a friend! As a friend!) But then I see that you own a Real Doll, and that takes some of the shine off for me. Dude. You showed a kick-ass macho confidence in the face of a bunch of sassy model wannabes. That's gonna net you some genuine babes in short order! Just be a little patient. Not to mention, you showed a real natural, unabashed, tousled goofiness in your photo shoot. Which was totally excellent. Girls love that (I'm given to understand). (Personally, I'm gayer than an "Ultimate Fighting" match, so I'm not an expert on the whole hetero scene.)
*removes reading glasses, strokes beard sagely*
After much consideration, I'm going to award this round's win to...
...Nepharia! And I swear I wasn't even mind-controlled into doing it. For realsies, you guys.
Everybody else gets a copy of "Blockade Boy: The Home Game", which is basically a Pop Tart-sized hunk of steel with one of those bearded early-70's G.I. Joe heads sticking out of one end. (Allow six-to-never weeks for delivery.)