Friday, June 27, 2008

Mission Six and a Half: Escape from a Mad Black Woman

"We're going to need your tongue, how you doin'!" she said from atop my helpless body.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!" I screamed as she ripped the duct tape from my face.

"Ooh, yummy!" She licked her lips. "My very own mysterious man in horn-rimmed glasses," she said placing my glasses back on me. Corrected vision only made things worse.

"Wait!" I yelled.

She looked annoyed, "The Hell I won't!" She puckered her lips and made her way in for the kill, I mean, kiss.

"AIDS! Herpes! Mesothelioma!" I screamed.

She stopped her approach and asked, "What?"

"I've got all those diseases, ya know. I'm required by law to warn you."

She thought it over for a moment, then said, "I'll take my chances."

As she was about to do the dirty, the door was kicked open by The Haitian who was responding to my distress call from my ankle alarm which I activated as I was being dragged away by the Professor's drones.

"Well, it took you long enough!" I said.

"Sorry," he responded. "I was playing shuffleboard."

"Oooh, a threeway," the crazy whale of a woman said with glee. "How you doing!"

"Shoot her! Shooooot her!" I yelled.


"Oh, no you didn't!" she hollered and fell off the side of the bed. Blood poured from her massive posterior as she stood up. She moved her hand behind her and felt the wound. "My junk!" she cried, then fainted.

The impact of her unconscious body hitting the floor caused the bed to shake. "Quick, untie me," I commanded to The Haitian. As I was freed I explained to him that I would need his help getting her to medical care.

He seemed confused. "Why would we give her medical care? Does she have a power?"

"Trust me." I called in some men to help us carry the beast to the medical ward.

Professor Xavier was sitting inside playing a game of chess with himself as I walked in alone. "Ah, Bennet...that was fast," he said smiling. "You know, if you ever need stamina lessons-"

"We've got a bullet injury, doc. It requires your immediate attention." I whistled and The Haitian and crew pulled the overweight victim inside. They rolled her over, exposing the wound.

"Hmm..." the Professor stroked his chin. "Yes, I'm afraid it looks fatal. There is nothing I can do."

"Well, you are the doctor," I said as Jon and the others came in inquiring about the ruckus.

"What happened to her?" Henchman asked.

"Is she alive?" Oneida questioned.

"She'll be fine," I reassured them. "We had an accidental weapons discharge in her hind quarters."

Many people snickered.

I continued, "We just need the doctor here to get the bullet out and stitch her back up."

The professor squinted as he repeated, "There is nothing I can do."

"What's up, Doc? Mental powers not working?" I asked patting The Haitian on the back. "My friend here has a tendency to put a damper on such mental powers like yours. Hope you don't need them for the operation."

Everyone stared at him, waiting. He stared back, then reluctantly picked up the surgical pliers.

We all waited outside as he operated. The Haitian kept the room shrouded in a mental block while we did. A few moments later, he rolled out.

"Well?" Jon asked. "Did she make it?"

"She'll be fine," Charles said. "It'll be a couple weeks before she's back up to full strength. But don't worry, Noah," he said tossing the bloody bullet at me. I caught it as he continued, "I'm sure she'll be ready to finish what you two started in no time."

As he rolled off, I asked Jon if I could shoot him.

"Not today, Bennet," Jon replied, "not today."


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Argh my eyeses! It gets worses and worses! Bad Hobbitses!

Professor Xavier said...

I had Darkseid doesn't find out what you did to his Granny, you naughty boy.

I promise not to tell him. At least, I promise to probably not tell him. If you make it worth my while, that is.

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