"And remember, please don't shoot other contestants," Jon added to his challenge details.
"How about random mountain personnel?" I asked hopefully.
"Sure. Now get going!"
The contestants were all off in a flash. Holding back my urge to shoot them, I started on my trek up the mountain.
And fell down the mountain.
And started up it again.
And climbed some more.
Then was hit by a sudden avalanche!
My third attempt was a gruesome five hours of scaling the mountain. I began to notice my breathing was difficult. And I was freezing! My mind wandered and played tricks on me. But I continued upward, despite any and all hallucinations.
Then, one hallucination got my attention. She was what I believe young kids these days would classify a "total babe".
"Easy, Bennet," I told myself. "She's just a fig newton."
"A fig newton?" she asked, apparently insulted.
"Yes, of my imagination."
"But I'm real," she replied, obviously lying.
To prove my point, I decided to touch her inappropriately.
"Hey, what are you doing?" She yelled at me. With a punch, I fell hard, landing fully submerged in the three-foot snow.
"Okay," I called out from the depths of my snow angel, "so you're real."
"Yes, I am." She grabbed my hand and helped me up to my feet.
She went with me up the mountain. It made the rest of the journey extremely enjoyable. We discussed Jedi mating theory and pondered the essence of The Force as we hiked. She was loads of fun, a great listener, and she loved The Beatles, my favorite band. We sang Ob La Di, Ob La Da as we reached the bridge.
"Well, looks like the bridge is out. So much for challenge one," I said and began back down the mountain.
"Nonsense, Noah! You can't just quit."
"Oh, it's not quitting. Jon promised a bridge to cross. The game producers didn't hold up their end of the challenge, so I'm not obligated to finish it."
She looked me hard in the eyes. With an optimistic smile, she said, "I believe in you, Noah. Do it for me. Win this challenge!"
Now would have been a good time to tell her about Sandra, but I was too entranced by her beauty. "Okay," I replied.
I pulled out my cellphone and called West. "Hey, I need you to fly me and a friend across the chasm." He wanted to know what was in it for him. "I'll unblock you from Claire's MySpace."
Minutes later we were across safely arriving at the bobsled starting area.
I picked a bobsled and found a referee to help get me properly attired. If there's one thing I know about bobsledding it's that you can't do it properly without dressing like a dork. Walking toward my bobsled in my striped pants and shiny pink helmet, I noticed a mysterious Italian running away from it. I stopped, bewildered by his strange action. Then, I focused back on my bobsled when the mountain lady I'd previously met called out at me from it. "Look, Noah! I can bobsled!"
"Wait! Don't!" I called out as she pushed off.
I was knocked back by the explosion. There was no time for mourning. I jumped to my feet and ran after the fleeing Italian.
He jumped on a bobsled and started down the course. I punched a high Jamaican off his and followed down after him.
He arrived at the base of the mountain only seconds before me. Before coming to a full halt, he jumped out and made a run for it. I bailed out of my bobsled and ran after him.
"Good job, Mr. B," Jon congratulated me as I chased the bombardier.
I pulled my pistol and shot the man in the leg. He fell face first into the hard gravel of Fire Island D.
Jon continued, "Excellent work on the challenge. We have coffee and bagels for you waiting inside."
I fired off three more rounds into the evil-doers evil body, which was soon an evil corpse.
"Who are you working for?" I asked the dead man. No reply. I put two more rounds into him for good measure. Then, turned to Jon, "She wanted me to win the challenge for her. It was her dying wish."
"Hmm...well," he replied, "we'll have to see how everyone else does."
While Jon started on the paperwork for declaring me the winner, I made plans for revenge. I know exactly which hairless cripple had the new love of my life 'sploded. And it wasn't Erifia.