Tuesday, July 8, 2008

There's No Sex In Your Violence

Impress a rich fat cat? That's easy. Challenge won! All I'd have to do would be to look my hottest and use my femininity as an advantage.

Wearing my most sexy dress with full use of my cleavage-generation powers and donning a cute five o'clock shadow to match it, I walked into the office of J'onn Sinew Nu. When I saw him, I threw up in my mouth a little. But I knew what I like, had to do, and after swallowing my vomit, I walked up to him and sat on his lap.

"Hey big boy," I started seductively, "wanna go back to my place and peel some apples?" What provocative innuendo I used!

J'onn looked confused. "Who are you, miss? I was under the impression that all the women from my competition were eliminated?"

"Well, you were wrong! It's me, Sylar, the sexiest female there is!"

Then, J'onn threw up in his mouth a little. But he didn't swallow it. "Homosexuality? That may work for cute little ones like Clay Aiken. But for vile, hairy beasts like you? I think not."

"But what about Richard Hatch from Survivor?"

J'onn shuddered. "Don't you ever, ever bring that name up again. Anyways, that character trait wouldn't make me any money."

I pouted, and then said, "Is that all you care about, making money?"

J'onn nodded.

"So, my one dimension doesn't line up with yours, does it?"

"I'm afraid not," he replied.

I sat there, dejected for a while. But suddenly, a thought hit me. "Man-love wasn't all I cared about! I wasn't one dimensional! I was two dimensional!" I exclaimed in thought.

"Wait a minute," I said to J'onn, "man-love isn't all I care about! I'm not one dimensional! I'm two dimensional!"

"You just said that five seconds ago," J'onn replied.

"No, silly, I thought that!"

"No, you said it. First, you exclaimed it in self-narration, and then you said it to me," the fat man replied cooly.



"Oh," I said scratching my head.

We sat in silence for a while. I started to pick my nose and think about woodchucks. Wouldn't it be cool if they had wings? Then they could chuck wood as they flew!

"Ahem," J'onn said as I flapped my arms as if they were wings and gnawed on his desk.

"Yes?" I asked, confused.

"What's your second dimension?"

"I have a second dimension?" I asked. This guy was a weirdo!

"That's what you said! Man love, and..."

I waited for him to finish, but he just sat there. "Yes? Man love and what?" I asked him, hoping he'd continue.

"You tell me!" he yelled.

J'onn was boring me. "I'm bored. I wish I could be out killing people."

Suddenly, J'onn's face lit up. He had like, figured something out, something almost as profound as flying woodchucks. "That's it! That's your second dimension! You're an insane murderer!"

"I'm a what now?"

"You're a murderer! Your produce violence! Earthlings loves violence! They're always hitting people over the heads with clubs in their mating rituals! You'll rake in the advertising dollars!"

Clapping my hands and giggling like a schoolgirl, I burst out, "So that means I can keep chopping skulls?!"

"Chopping skulls?" J'onn mused, "That's so last week. We'll need something new...something edgy. I've got it! Can you slice open people's stomachs and play jump-rope with their intestines?"

I shook my head. "Too icky."

We both sat in thought for a moment. And then I had one of those things where your head hurts and there's pictures. An idea!

"I know! What if I make people's heads explode?!"

"Can you do that?" J'onn asked with interest.

I shrugged. "I dunno."

J'onn pressed down a button on an intercom on his desk. "Doris, can you come in here, please?" he asked his secretary to come into the room, giving me a wink.

She walked into the room and asked J'onn what he wanted.

"Oh, we were just testing something," he responded to her, giving me another wink.

"What were you testing?" she asked.

"If Sylar could do something," J'onn said, giving me a third wink. I think he was coming on to me!

"IF Sylar could do what?" she asked again.

"Kill you!" J'onn said, laughing maniacally, and wringing his hands! I started giggling too, this was so funny! My belly hurt from the silliness! J'onn stopped laughing and looked at me.

"What so funny, silly billy?" I asked him between laughs. Like, what was I laughing at?

"Sylar, kill her!" he exclaimed.

"Oh yeah!"

Using my super mind trick, I like, totally blewed up her head. Brain chunks flew everywhere. J'onn seemed to like it. He shook my hand.

"Mr. Sylar," he began, "I believe we've come to understand each other."

"Like, totally!" I said, as I looked through the chunks of blown up Doris head to find some brains to eat.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

You blewed up Clara Peller!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Wow! That was good special effects!

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

No, I think he blew up Helen Thomas. Stephen Colbert will not be happy

Professor Xavier said...

Scott was right Sylar. You do have some amazing breasts.

Professor Xavier said...

You know, for a guy.

captain koma said...

I think that was your best post yet.