Sunday, July 13, 2008

Simon's Judgement

I don’t know fighting or gladiatoring, I possess burly security guards for that type of thing. But I do know Brand, I know brand so well that I managed to make millions hand over fist by branding a group of low talent hacks and getting countries to LOVE them. Have you seen that little girl who cries when she sees Clay Aiken? If that doesn’t scream marketing genius, I simply don’t know what does. Usually men, and I use the term loosely, like Aiken make little girls run screaming the other way, restraining orders are not far behind when he starts singing about being invisible in their rooms and watching them. But not now, now little girls cry tears of joy just to be in his presence.

But this is about you all, not me and my blinding brilliance. A brilliance I see that none of you possess. You create a brand in order to educate people about you, to sell yourself. Most of you walked in thinking you were so great people knew all about you already.

Sylar: There are 10’s of thousands of she-males just like you the world over from San Francisco to Thailand. And thousands that murder their Johns in unusual ways. Why not the Ice Princess, or the femme fatal who can hear what’s in men’s hearts? You have many skills to work with, take advantage of them. The brand of stupid pouty girl already has Jessica Simpson and Tara Reid.

Kon-El: The many options you went through had some potential. Then I got bored and wandered off during your WWE experience. No brand, you are one of the dark haired guys in the ring, whoopdeefreakin’doo. You should have gone with your second outfit for a brand.

Bennett: You certainly don’t lack for ego. I liked the transition from Horned Rimmed Glasses to Horned Rimmed Gladiator. My concern is that while you may appeal to under aged white trash and gelatin, you might have a hard time with the larger population. And even the white trash population gets fussy when a person declares himself God. That might play well in Utah and Texas, but the rest of the world doesn’t trust those two states.

Xavier: Oh boy, evil. Oooohhhh, I’m scared, a bald guy in a black suit. You're Mormon! I think you would have had better luck if you’d taken cues from the Mike Myer movie and gone for a ‘guru’ thing, you could have even had a modified moving cushion to maintain your gimp status.

West: How antiestablishment, you rejected the system before the system could reject you. How very spoilt teen of you. I would have pushed you towards the non-threatening Clay Aiken mold. Girls could have crushes on you which their mothers could encourage, knowing that should you ever be alone with the daughters, the girls would be perfectly safe.

The money a person can make from merchandising could be spent on cosmetic surgery, nicer clothes for your girl, the best paper made, a toupee, and first class tickets where stewardesses do all of the work. Embrace the world of exploitation, put aside any moral qualms you may have, learn to love the Brand. Only then will you reach brand Utopia. Only one of you even managed to find the right general direction towards this place. That person is


Despite your WWE episode, you have been judged the best of all the contestants. Reap the rewards and enjoy the perks, my good man. They can be fleeting.