Thursday, July 24, 2008

Don't Steal My Thunder

I sat with my new friend, the gladiator, Thunder Thighs, and painted my toe nails with her.

"Omigod, that shade of pink looks like, soooo good on you!" I said to Thunder Thighs.

"Thanks, Sylar. I hope it impresses Jon."

"Jon the Introglockenspeil?"

"Yes, I've got a thing for him. I want to wrap my thunderous thighs around him. He's one sexy gladiator."

"Hehe," I giggled. "A crush on Introglockenspeil? That's a hilarious joke!"

"I'm not joking," she replied coldly.

"Oh, uh, how do you like the food?" I asked, changing the subject.

Thunder Thighs took a bite of the homemade dish I brought her. "This is really good. What is it?"

"It's brains!" I said, smacking my lips.

Thunder Thighs stared at me for a moment, and then started laughing. "Oh Sylar, you're such a jokester."

I giggled, and said, "I know!" Then I scratched my head. "What am I joking about?"

"That we're eating brains."

"Oh yeah," I responded. Thunder Thighs seemed to be insane. Eating brains is no laughing matter. Oh well. "Hey, wanna go to the gym so we can work off the weight we packed on from these brains?" I asked her.

Her eyes grew wide. "The gym?" she asked. "The place of evil and despair? You wish to fight evil with me? Very well. But, we will not work off any weight."

"But I'm getting love handles!" I shouted in protest as we walked out the door.

We arrived at the gym. It looked homey.

Stepping inside, I noticed that the gym was full of hot boys! "Omigod," I said in a moment of sudden revelation, "this gym is full of hot boys!"

"Hot boys?" Thunder Thigh asked, as she looked around. "I see no flab, no rolls, no double or triple chins. Where is this hotness you speak of? All I see is fitness, the epitome of all evil." Suddenly, she saw something, on on her face came a look of total fear. "Good God...the Sit and Be Fitters!"

"Who are they?" I asked.

"They are the henchmen of my arch-nemesis. Evil seniors of doom who exercise while sitting down! That must mean that he must be here." She pointed her finger towards the back of the gym as she saw him. "The Stair Master!"

"Mwahaha," the Stair Master cackled evilly. "Greetings, Thunder Thighs. I see you've walked right into my trap."

"What trap? We came here voluntarily. You didn't lure us here," she responded.

"It's a figure of speech!" he shouted. "Sit and Be Fitters, kill them!"


"What'd he say?"

"Get who?"

"Where are they?"

The Stair Master shook his head in disgust. "They're behind you," he informed them.

"Eh?" one responded. "Well, give us a few minutes to turn our chairs around to face them, then we'll attack."

As the old people slowly turned their chairs, Thunder Thighs sprung into action. "Thunder Thighs, activate!" she shouted as she slapped the flab of her legs together. What resulted was a thunderous sound of thunder that shook through the whole gym. The Sit and Be Fitters all fell over.

"Help," one pleaded, "we've fallen down and we can't get up!"

"Don't worry," another added, "I've got Life Alert!"

While the seniors were trying to figure out how to work their Life Alert alarms, Thunder Thighs charged the Stair Master. She lept in the air, ready to slap together her thighs again and destroy her enemy. But before she could, the Stair Master grabbed her! He forced her onto his stairs, and held her there as he activated them, forcing her into stair-walking exercise!

"No!" Thunder Thighs wailed. "Exercise is my one weakness! My'll get toned! My power of thunder won't work without my flab!"

"Haha, yes, feel the burn!" the Stair Master responded evilly.

Now, it was all going to come down to me. I knew I couldn't just kill the Stair Master. If I did, he might go out of control, and destroy Thunder Thighs' flab forever. No, I'd have to handle this situation delicately...

I shoved Thunder Thighs off the stairs and got on myself. I threw her some leftover brains and ordered her to eat it to regain the strength of her flab as I began exercising.

"What's this?" the Stair Master said. "Are you sacrificing yourself for her? A noble venture, but you shall regret it when you see the shapely, toned butt that I give you!"

"Ooooh, really? I've always wanted a toned butt!" I responded with delight.

"Wait a minute," the Stair Master said with fear in his voice. "Are you using me...for good?"

"Heck yeah!"

"NOOoooOOoocoOOoOO! Being used for good is my only weakness! How did you know?!" And suddenly, the Stair Master exploded.

"NOOoOOOocoOooOO!" I shouted, "my butt isn't toned yet!"

Pouting, I helped Thunder Thighs to her feet. We walked away from the gym, victorious.

"Sylar," she began, "you saved my life. You know what it is to be a true gladiator."

"Hey, thanks! But I have one question. Can I see what you look like under your mask?"

"I owe my life to you. Of course I will reveal my secret."

And with that, she pulled off her mask.

No wonder she wore one.


Jean-Luc Picard said...

How evil of Hillary!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Well I didn't see that coming.

I guess she's got some time on her hands now.

captain koma said...

Thats it Sylar wins.
The other losers are not going to get anywhere near as funny as that.

Mr. Bennet said...

It could have been worse. She could have been a secret-Muslim and a secret-Hillary.

Nepharia said...

Oh, the *horror*! Put the mask back on!

Gyrobo said...

You sure walked all over that Stair Master.

*crickets chirping*

What? I heard puns were in this epoch!

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