Mission Nine: The Horn-Rimmed Hero's Journey

There I was reading our next challenge when a little robot came up to me with a flower. "Aw, you must be the cute little robot Jon mentioned." I grabbed the flower, tossed it in the trash. The little guy looked up at me with his mechanical puppy eyes. "Oh, don't give me that. It was just a stupid plant."

"EEEEEeeeeEEVVVVVV," it chirped.

I could tell this little guy had a speech impediment. Luckily, a shutdown switch was visible on his back, so I flipped it. As he powered down, he made a low buzzing sound before becoming completely stationary and silent.

"Now, when I'm done with this challenge, I'll gut you for computer parts," I said heading out of the barracks.

"Hey," I said to the nearby bum. "Are you drunk?"

"Mmmmm," he groaned.

"And are you a hero?"

"Mmmmmmm."

"Good! Tell me where I can find some Mystic Iron Armor."

He held his hand up at me and said, "Leave me alone."

"I can't. I need the Mystic Iron Armor to save Hacknor. You have to tell me where it is."

"Too bad. I only work on Independence Day," he replied going back to sleep.

"It is Independence Day," I said.

He looked up in the sky. "Nah." He slid his beanie over his eyes.

"It is. Aliens are attacking! You're the only man left alive! Robots are becoming self-aware!"

He just ignored me. I wouldn't be able to find this Mystic Iron Armor on my own, and going without it would likely be a huge time saver, which would displease Koma. I'd have to get this guy to help me.

I came back an hour later with a friend of mine. "Hit it, Alfonso!"

Alfonso began singing "It's Not Unusual".

"Turn him off!" The drunken hero cried.

"Sorry, he's already got his hips swinging. There's no stopping him now."

"Fine! I'll tell you where it is. Just shut him up. You got something to write on?"

I felt around in my pockets. It was hard to believe, but I was all out of paper. Luckily, The Professor, having been voted out of this competition was panhandling close by. "So," I said to him, "this is why you pretend to be crippled?"

Some of the passersby looked accusingly at the bald teacher. "I'm not pretending," he lied.

"Right." I had The Haitian push him out of his wheelchair. He stayed true to the role as he wallowed around on the sidewalk. "Relax, you'll get enough donations for a new one," I said rolling it away.

The drunken hero used his fingernails to carve a map into the back of the wheelchair. Not only did I now have directions, but I had a conveyance for The Haitian, who can get huffy if he has to walk long distances on a mission.

I shot Alfonso in the knee cap, but that didn't stop his singing, it only made him use a higher pitch. The drunken hero looked at me sternly. I quickly shot him in the belly. That shut him up.

"Alright, let's get going." The Haitian gleefully jumped into the wheelchair and we were off.

Trying to follow directions drawn by a drunk is difficult, but we arrived at the location of the Mystic Iron Armor.

"Well, there it is. That was easy," I said, parking The Haitian. "I'll just go put it on and then we'll save Hacknor."

As I approached the suit, the ground began to shake. The Abomination came running at me, just as we were warned. I screamed, "Help me, The Haitian! I'm under attack."

He shouted, "Run away!" and began rolling his wheels as fast as his arms could.

The Abomination hit me and I was knocked a good 40 feet away. The Abomination approached me as I stood up. I looked at him. He didn't look so tough. In fact he was a little fluffy. Then, I realized my glasses were broken. I quickly grabbed my backup pair from my inside jacket pocket and put them on. The Abomination was as frightening as ever. He wound up for a punch.

As his fist came at me, I managed to jump out of the way. Or I thought I had. While midair, I realized that I had been hit again. However, from that altitude I noticed a Sarlacc pit in the distance.


After I landed, I picked myself up and made a run for the Sarlacc. The Abomination chased after me. I jumped into the pit and cried, "Go go gadget heli--wait a minute! I'm not Inspector Gadget!"

The Abomination jumped in after me.

As I slid down the sandy side of the Sarlacc pit, a large tentacle grabbed hold of my leg. I tried climbing back up, but couldn't escape its grasp.

The Abomination had a similar problem. He was crying for his mother as he was being dragged in. I, however, was crying for my Haitian.

"Get over here right now or you can forget about your pension!"

There was no reply, and the tentacle was dragging me closer and closer to the beast's mouth. I pulled out my gun and shot the tentacle several times. It finally retreated in pain, but I was still slipping slowly to my second death.

"Is that bad guy still alive?" I heard The Haitian call. I looked up to see him leaning over the edge of the pit. I looked down at the Abomination who was about to be eaten by the Sarlacc.

"No, he's dead. Throw me a rope!"

"He doesn't look dead and I don't have a rope," he replied.

I looked back down at The Abomination. The Sarlacc gobbled him up and I shouted back at The Haitian, "Okay, now he's dead! Use the jumper cables for the Professor's wheelchair!"

Seconds later a red and a black clamp fell by my face. I reached up with both hands and took hold.

I was immediately hit with a high voltage electric charge. In between spasms I yelled at my employee, "Don't....plug it....in....you.....fool!"

The charge stopped and I climbed out to safety. Or at least what I thought was safety.


Some crazy-looking unhappy clown had a gun on us. "Look, I just want the suit. Can't I have the suit?" I asked.

"Only if you can answer a riddle," the joyless entertainer replied. "If you get it right, you can have the suit. If you get it wrong, you'll be sucked into the Sarlacc pit!"

"Alright, what's the question?"

"Can God create a rock so heavy he himself cannot lift it?"

"Hmm..." I looked over at The Haitian. "You first."

He rubbed his head for moment before finally answering, "Yes."

The Joker replied, "Wrongo," and The Haitian flew into the Sarlacc pit.

"Oh, no! I'm without a henchman!" I shouted.

"You want to answer the question?"

"Sure," I thought it over. "Well, let's see...it's a yes or no question....The Haitian already said yes, so that would mean....I'm going to say...." I was about to answer when I had a thought. "Wait! Is it the Rastafarian God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?"

The Joker thought for a second and replied, "Well, I'm not sure." He was quickly sucked into the Sarlacc pit.

That left me with zero opposition and I was able to get the Mystic Iron Armor.

I donned the special outfit and made my way to the battle. It was like Gettysburg, but with less cannons, which was unfortunate.

As I walked up, the soldiers on each side stopped fighting and laughed. "What the heck are you wearing?"


"It's Mystic," I replied. "Why are you guys fighting anyway?"

"Well," one of the Telmarines spoke up, "we wanted to destroy these islands to make way for a really awesome water park and oil rigs, to help global warming."

"And we have to stop them!" a Golden soldier shouted. "We can't let these guys destroy the environment."

"Well, why not?" I asked.

"Because we have to think about our children's futures."

"You have children?" I asked.

"Well, no. But some people do," it replied.

"I have a pet rock!" another called out.

"Hmm...well, don't you see all those stars in the sky at night? Many of them have planets orbiting them. So even if the Telmarines destroy Hacknor's environment, you'll have countless planets and unlimitted resources once you master space flight."

"Well, can't we fight them anyway?"

"Nope. Just enjoy the waterpark. Let your children figure out what to do about the environment."

"But I have no children."

"I have a pet rock!"

"All the more reason not to be concerned," I replied.

It seemed I had convinced them. They offered to help build the waterpark and oil rigs. Peace was reached and the next day Hacknor had a really awesome waterpark...


...and cute, little, oil-covered sea creatures.


As we all enjoyed the new planetary attraction, The Haitian approached covered in yellowish slime.

"Um, you'll probably need to shower first," I advised him. "How'd you survive the Sarlacc?"

"Ask Boba Fett."