Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Last Gladiator Standing III, the Last Gladiator Standing is...

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered and only two remain. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

This is it folks, the grand finale. We have ourselves a winner.

And we’ll let you know who it is right after these messages.

Last Gladiator Standing III was brought to you in part by Budweiser and Clamato.

This is really a product out there everyone.

I mean can you believe it? Who wants beer mixed with tomato and clam juice? Boy, I sure would like some beers but I usually don’t vomit unless I have a couple cases. Maybe if I just mix a little clam and tomato juice in it…

You know, speed things up a little bit.

OK, tomato juice I can understand, maybe. Tomato juice is used in bloody Marys so there’s a precedent there. Plus it’s healthy (you know, unless you’re in the middle of a salmonella outbreak), so maybe you’re thinking you’re getting some vitamins with your booze. That’s good right?

But clam juice? Who decided that clam juice was a tasty beverage? You don’t know what you’re getting in that clam juice either. Is it all clam or did some other bottom feeder get into the mix? Was it cooked? Who knows, it sounds like a crap shoot to me.

Emphasis on crap, am I right, folks?

But seriously.

Now that people are drinking clamato juice, you know because its two great tastes that taste great together, crabapple just takes on a whole new meaning. I wonder what other great flavors are out there just waiting to be discovered. Shellentil juice sounds good. Anyone want some sharkpea? How about floundercorn juice?

Budweiser and Clamato. Mmm mmm good.

OK, we’re back folks. Let’s declare our winner. Our two contestants were Mr. Bennet and Sylar, two strong contestants who fought to the top of the proverbial mountain, each one willing to do what it takes to be the king of that mountain. Or queen, as it were. Yeah, I used that joke again, I went there.

Let’s take a look at the contestants shall we? Here’s the brain eating power getter himself, Sylar:

"Ah-ha!" I said as I jumped out of the shadows, revealing myself in a cat-like pose.

"Sylar!" all three of them exclaimed.

"Activate, cleavage generation powers!" I yelled frustratingly as I pounded on my boobless chest. I looked up and saw that the three of them were staring at me, so I stammered out, "I'll be taking all of your scavenger hunt items now!"

I sat with my new friend, the gladiator, Thunder Thighs, and painted my toe nails with her.

"Omigod, that shade of pink looks like, soooo good on you!" I said to Thunder Thighs.

"Thanks, Sylar. I hope it impresses Jon."

"Jon the Introglockenspeil?"

"Yes, I've got a thing for him. I want to wrap my thunderous thighs around him. He's one sexy gladiator."

And so, my plan, like totally worked! Hancock started beating up the armies, and would keep them at bay until the other contestants came around to complete the challenge themselves! I didn't have to worry about him murdering them all since he's only PG-13! Challenge complete!

Er, wait a minute....

I got into uniform, and damn did my 13 year old body look sexy. Proceeding on, I moved to the gym, where I was greeted by the coach.

"Um, you know, there are male cheerleading uniforms, too, right?" she asked.

"Oh, I know. But those don't do justice to my sexiness."

In the stands sat the hot boy from my class. He looked down at me and laughed. "Hey everyone, look! It's Gabriel Gay!" Everyone laughed at his like, totally awesome insult!

I fired back a comeback. "Oh yeah, well, you're like, totally hot!"

There's a box unchecked! That means I didn't do something! Right? I'm not sure. Well, I should probably do it anyways.

"Hey, any of you guys have a cute robot?" I asked the peeps getting beat up.

"I am a cute robot," a female Telmarine mercenary said, stepping forward. "I am a Terminator. A cyborg with a learning computer, a neural net processor."

"Good enough for me," I said with a shrug, and then blewed her up.

List complete! Now, to go grocery shopping...

That was Sylar everyone, give him (er, her?) a hand. We’ll be right back after this short break.
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You know, you wouldn’t think that someone without any powers would last so long competing here, yet that’s what Bennet did. Unless you consider the ability to tell long, endless stories about the Kraft process a power. Here’s Bennet:

"Sorry," I smiled and waved in an attempt to life their spirits. Then there spirits were indeed raised. I turned to see Prince standing behind me with his magical guitar.

"Prince!" I exclaimed.

"Someone asked for a miracle," he replied, then did a quick dance step and smashed his symboled guitar into the thick glass chamber. It broke into thousands of pieces and Flash and the gang escaped. We ran out of Ming's palace to safety.

There I was met by all the former contestants. They were all enthusiastic to see Flash Gordon and Queen alive and well.

Bone Grinder made his way up to the podium.

Oh, brother...

"Thank you," he began. "I don't fight freedom because it's easy. I fight freedom because my dad left when I was seven. I never drank any of that Sprite crap, though. I'm a 7-Up guy, always been one. Sometimes I drink water, but that's just because it's easily accessible. I had to build my own well once. It was during the drought of ought three. Vultures were disintegrating in mid-air from the heat. I got myself a stick and started digging. I almost made it to China, which is pretty good considering I wasn't on Earth at the time. But there was no reason I couldn't hold hands with the woman I loved. The church frowned on it, but that's their problem. I say, if you spend a buck seventy on a couple of burgers and the drive in, you're entitled to some hand action...."

A couple of days later, he finished and the challenge finally came to an end.

I clicked to the next slide.

"By simply replacing the word glasses with gladiator, I become the Horn-Rimmed Gladiator. It's perfect, and has rather satanic connotations, a must for capturing that elusive caveman demographic."

I continued on with my presentation...

"With the signature glasses comes the possibility for endless merchandising. Everything not yet wearing horn-rimmed glasses can be produced by us with the vision-augmenting, and stylish, spectacles, then sold with an enormously high markup to the general masses."

"How high of a markup?" the VP asked.

"Umm...upwards of seventeen hundred percent," I answered quickly doing no math in my head.

J'onn seemed impressed. I continued on to the next slide.

"Horn-rim your little gladiator."

"Horn-Rimmed Gelatin."

"Yes, yes. That is a good plan. But I feel we need some more products. Man cannot live by bread alone, ya know. Say...could we put some of those glasses on bread?"

I clicked on to the next slide.

"I am Gavin MacLeod of the clan MacLeod," I said withdrawing my katana. "There can be only one!" With one quick swipe, followed by a few hacks and a dice, I decapitated the acne-ridden busboy.

Sylar giggled as he chased after the rolling head.

Professor Xavier rolled over to me. "That's just great, Bennet!" He sounded annoyed. "You realize I have the underwhelming honor of being the doctor on this sentient ship, and you've just caused me hours of paper work!"

Mr. Bennet, everybody.

We’ll be right back to announce the winner right after these important messages.

Viking Ted – Freelance Space Mechanic coming this fall on the Intergalactic Gladiator Network!

Welcome back everybody to the Last Gladiator Standing III grand finale. I know everyone is excited to see who the winner is, but let’s take a moment to look behind the scenes of this year’s competition. Here’s the main control room where hundreds of technicians work endless hours (Thanks to indentured servitude, ha ha!) to deliver the exciting competition to you. Wave hello, fellas!

That’s great. We’d also like to take this opportunity to thank this year’s group of judges. Give a great big hand to:

Commander Oneida!

The Henchman!

Simon! Booo! Ha ha, just kidding Simon!

Blockade Boy!

And (uh… I guess) Captain Koma!

Thanks everyone, you’re the best. You’re all the best!

And now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for.

The winner of Last Gladiator Standing III and a personally signed copy of Stories of the Unexpected is

None other than...

The person who you will see named below...

Who is...




Mr. Bennet!

Congratulations, Mr. Bennet, you are the Last Gladiator Standing.


Jean-Luc Picard said...

It took a while to get to the result!

Well done Mr B!

Mr. Bennet said...

I always knew I had it in me.

Nepharia said...

Well, we knew you had *something* in you....

Professor Xavier said...

I figured it must have been the bean burritos.

Ciera said...

Well that took long enough!

Congrats Mr.B

Sylar said...

Recount! I demand a recount!

:hugs Al Gore and cries in a corner with him:

Merlyn Gabriel said...

congratulations!! :)