Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wow? Me? Really? Thanks.

I won? I have to admit, I'm surprised. Well, not really, but my sponsor wanted me to feign surprise. I told 'em, "I'm not a feigner."

Of course I won. I'm Mr. Bennet. I single-handedly ran a secret organization and non-secret paper company all from my menial position of middle management. The other contestants didn't stand a chance against my experience bagging and tagging, not to mention my marskmanship skills. At least Jon leveled the playing field by not allowing me to shoot the fellow contestants. Although, it would have saved us weeks of top quality Internet entertainment.

Anyway, I realize it's been a long, long while since I was actually declared the winner, but I decided I should give a short acceptance and thank you speech. Or rather it was decided for me by my sponsor, Total Synapse, Inc., a division of the late Primatech Paper Company (Which has applied for a government bailout; I'll keep you posted on that).

So, yeah, here I am. I'd like to thank, first and foremost, God, who really had nothing to do with me winning this competition. I mean, if anything, he got in the way by giving my competition so-called "extraordinary" powers. I'm just a mere mortal here. Yet, I still won. Thanks a lot, God.

And then there's my mom, who I know if she were alive today she would still not find a reason to take pride in my accomplisments. "Gladiator? You know, the Johnson's kid was a Marine," I can hear her saying.

Jon, I have to thank him, even though I really don't want to. It turns out, he's actually a good guy. I'm not a fan of good guys. They get in the way of what needs doing. But as far as good guys go, he's a pretty good one. So, thanks Jon.

Thanks to all of you who lost: West, Kon-El, Profesor X, Erifia, Nepharia, Ciera, Hotstuff, Koma, Gyrobo, Merlyn and Sylar. It was really your not winning that won this for me. I couldn't have done it without you.

And to all the judges, I thank whoever gave you the wisdom to choose me for immunity when you did. When you picked one of the other guys, well, shame on you.

Okay, the music is playing, so I just need to get this quick word in, as per my contract, Total Synapse....medical IT services and online marketing. It's a great company, ladies and gentlemen. Send them your money. Thank you, Total Synapse, for all that you've done.

And thank you, the little people, and normal-sized viewers, who watched us do some rather silly stuff over all these weeks.

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