Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Final Mission: Princes of the Universe

Well, here I was on the space shuttle about to take off to do that stupid challenge that stupid Sylar drew from the stupid hat. I would much rather be on a fun scavenger hunt, but it seems I have to be rescuing Queen from some emperor guy. I don't see the point with Freddie Mercury gone. I doubt Flash Gordon has the same homo-erotic appeal.

"Just wait 'til you see him swing a sword," Captain Koma said.

"What are you doing here? Come to sabotage my efforts?"

He replied, "You don't need any help in that department. I just wanted to make sure there would be no more thong thievery going on. Times are tough in Australia; I've got a limited supply. Last Gladiator Standing was my ticket to thong heaven, but somebody ruined that dream."

"Oh, yeah...must suck. See you later." I was hoping he would simply exit the shuttle and leave the awkward moment behind us. Instead, he followed me all the way to Planet Mongo, something about a rendevouz with a Hawkman.

As I departed the shuttle planetside, I waved farewell to Koma. He ignored me as he embraced a bulky winged fellow with a large battle mace.

"Get your star maps! Star maps, right here!" A familiar voice called out, enticing me to buy his product.

"Professor, why are you here?"

"Oh, trying to save up for a new appendix. Care to buy a Planet Mongo star map?"

I made the transaction with him and had a full color detailed map of the entire planet. "Thanks, Charles. About your appendix, though. You realize they aren't necessary, right?"

"What do you mean not necessary?"

"They don't have a function. Having it removed doesn't put you in any physical harm."

"Oh,, yeah I knew that," he replied sheepishly.

I picked up on his lie and said, "Wait a minute! You didn't know about the appendix. That're not a real doctor!"

"It's just a Ph.D." he shouted. "Why must everyone assume that requires a knowledge of human anatomy. I know where the important parts are."

"Yeah, only because you've lost control over them."

He rolled off angrily mumbling about a paraplegic's right to choose.

I consulted my newly acquired map and headed for Mingo City. Surely that would be where I would find this Emperor Ming lunatic.

"My name isn't Shirley," the crazy-eyebrowed emperor said as I entered his throne room.

"Well, in that case," I replied, "my name isn't Noah." I quickly reached for my pistol, but West flew in and kicked it out my hand.

"West?" I asked confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Mr. B!" He waved at me dorkishly. "I'm training to be a Hawkman!"

"Well,for now, can you leave me alone? I'm trying to save Queen and Flash Gordon from this merciless Ming man."

"Oh, sorry about that." West picked my gun off the floor and tossed it at me. He turned and flew back out the window.

"Ah, ha!" I said with my gun pulled on Ming.

He quickly grabbed Merlyn Gabriel out from behind his throne and held her in front of him with a death ray to her head. "Not so fast, Mr. Bennet. Put down your gun or Merlyn gets it."


"This lady I'm holding the gun on."

"Well, I figured out that part. I just don't really know who she is. Got any more damsels in distress?"

He tossed Merlyn to the side who quickly got up and ran away. Then, he pulled Ciera out from his throne and put his death ray to her head.

"Oh, no! Not Ciera!" I exclaimed.

"Good!" Ming grinned. "The Jedi damsels were a bit more difficult to kidnap. Now, put down the gun."

"First show me Flash Gordon and Queen," I commanded.

"You're in no position to be making orders," Ming replied as Kon-El walked out with a tray of hors d'oeuvres.

I grabbed him quickly and put my gun on his neck. "Now, Ming, you show me the band or Wonder Boy here gets it."

Ming gasped. "Not my hunky servant!"

Kon was about to explain how he's impervious to bullets, but Ming already hit some controls on his wrist band. A nearby wall slid open to reveal Brian May, Roger Taylor and Flash Gordon.

"Now, Kon," I said, "I want you to get Ciera out of here." He flew off with her out a window.

I aimed my gun at Ming. He aimed his death ray at me.

"Well, looks like we've got ourselves a showdown," I commented.

"Indubitably," he replied.

"Green PopTarts are not necessarily healthy nor evil," Gyrobo said as he buzzed in and out of the room.

Ming fired his death ray gun as I fired my death non-ray gun.

My bullet struck him in his goatee, which fell limply to the floor. "No!" he gasped attempting to catch the falling hairs.

His death ray sent glowing circle rings around me. I felt a tingly sensation in my feet, and then it stopped.

"Darn this theoretical technology!" he said throwing his death ray gun to the side. He quickly scooped up his discarded facial hair and made a run for the door. On his way out, he hit a button, causing gas to enter into the room where the band was awaiting their rescue.

"Umm, guys," I said through the thick glass. "If you can hear me, I don't think there's any chance for your survival. I know it must not be what you want to hear, but barring some miracle, I just don't have a way to break through this glass."

Inside, the band members began gasping for breath. Eyes were bulging and death was nearing.

"Sorry," I smiled and waved in an attempt to lift their spirits. Then there spirits were indeed raised. I turned to see Prince standing behind me with his magical guitar.

"Prince!" I exclaimed.

"Someone asked for a miracle," he replied, then did a quick dance step and smashed his symboled guitar into the thick glass chamber. It broke into thousands of pieces and Flash and the gang escaped. We ran out of Ming's palace to safety.

There I was met by all the former contestants. They were all enthusiastic to see Flash Gordon and Queen alive and well.

Koma patted Flash on the back. "Hey there, Speed Gordon. How about a couple of drinks later, mate?"

Erifia and Nepharia both pushed Koma out of the way and fought over Flash's autograph.

"Sign my lekkus!" Erifia shouted.

"Sign these!" Nepharia exclaimed. I think she won.

Hotstuff approached with a guitar in hand. "So are we going to stand around here all day or are we going to jam out?"

Flash started singing "We Are The Champions". Queen, Hotstuff and Prince joined in. The day ended with a glorious dance number as Professor Xavier sat in his wheelchair feeling of where his appendix used to be.


Ciera said...

I have no idea how I get into some of these scrapes!

Nepharia said...

I've always known how to win friends and influence men...

Phobia said...

"jedi damsels in distress" oooh when I get my hands on that nutjob of an emperor he's gonna be the only one who is gonna be in distress.. that no good *trails off into various mutterings that would turn many masters red*

Vegeta said...

Um... Since when is Koma gay? or Kon-El a servant? or Xavier that dumb?

Sorry you lose 10000 know your fellow contestants points.

Vegeta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Bennet said...

Who said Koma's gay? I only mentioned his extreme friendliness with a Hawkman. Since when does that make someone gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

What a mission!

Professor Xavier said...

That must have been professor Charles Soludo, because I catagorically deny ever being on Mongo or Mingo or whatever the name of the planet is.

captain koma said...

I am in the Brian Blessed fan club.

Gyrobo said...

Why must you malign the appendix so?!

Far from vestigial, the appendix maintains gut flora, meaning that if all the benign bacteria in your digestive tract are deleted, your appendix will reboot them.

I learned this from milk cartons.